June 2023 – yourhappyplaceblog

I had NO idea that rainbows were any type of sign to look for a loved one you had lost.

I am in Oregon and my family is in Utah, so when I heard the news of my brother unexpectedly dying, I was in a way, on an island with my husband and no other family around. It was hard to be alone and not be with everyone trying to process, sharing stories, trying to make sense of his sudden death. I did what I could do—I had my husband drive me all over the coast to show my brother the beauty of Oregon that he didn’t get to see. We had talked about him coming to visit & how he would love the rain here. I had sent him photos and video of the ocean, sea birds, heart rocks, sunsets, etc.

I figured showing him the best and highest views around would be a beautiful way to send him off in my own heart. It had to be one of the windiest days at Yaquina Head Lighthouse, but I was determined to climb the small mountain that had a full 360 view from the top. The wind was whipping like we had never seen, but we climbed. No one was around, so it made our time on top even more memorable. I leaned into the wind like a bird. I put my arms out like I was flying. I blew kisses to the wind and told my brother he would love this view. It was an incredible moment I will never forget. We hopped from coastal location to coastal lookouts with me talking to my brother and wishing he was there. It was a beautiful way to connect with him. I felt like he was finally seeing Oregon and where his sister lived and loved. It was a cherished day.

The very next day I had to travel to pick up my daughter at her college. While I was in town, I stopped at the local Trader Joe’s to grab a few things. I decided I wanted to find a little plant or a purple (his favorite color) flower or a purple pot in remembrance of my brother. I was looking at everything and nothing was jumping out and then I noticed a tiny plant in a pot with a vintage looking rainbow. I literally had the words, “United Colors of Benetton”pop into my head—-I instantly thought, “What! I have not thought about that brand since the 80’s” I knew it was a message from my brother—it was so him. I smiled and thought, “Okay. Okay. I get it. That does remind me of you & the United Colors of Benetton.” Now mind you—I have NEVER had rainbows as any type of association with my brother. Not ever!

Then, as I placed the tiny plant on the counter the girl said, “that is so cute. Is it a gift for someone?” I smiled, “kinda, I am buying it for myself to remind me of my brother that just passed.” The girl instantly began to grab my card out of the machine & asked to pay for it. Oh what a beautiful gesture. I smiled and lovingly grabbed her hand, “That is the most loving gesture and I know my brother is smiling down on this situation. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness. I sincerely thank you for being in this moment and offering. That is so sweet, but I need to do this for myself.” She said, “Are you sure. Can I buy you some flowers or anything?” It was such a sincere moment from another human being and my heart welled up in love and appreciation. I again looked at her with such sincerity and thanked her for this beautiful moment, knowing my brother was loving it so much. It was so wonderful.

I shared that story at his funeral because I knew how those little acts of kindness would bring him such joy. I knew he was smiling.

Then, after the funeral and my little family was preparing to head back to Oregon (14 hour drive) I was writing a couple of notes—the first was to one of my brother’s best friends (who lived in Nashville) & would be coming to Utah to grieve and be with family. As I was writing her note I had the need to share…”You have always been a rainbow on his cloudiest days”—what, rainbow. That was not my thing, but it came to me again…rainbow.

The next letter was a simple note of love and thanks to my parents. As I was writing that one a little childhood song began to play in my mind. A song my mom would sing to us as little children. A song I sang to my daughter when she was little….it went like this…Red and Yellow and Pink and Green, Purple and Orange and Blue….I can sing a Rainbow. Sing a Rainbow. Sing a Rainbow for you. ANOTHER RAINBOW. What!!!?!

Then the next day as we got to our Oregon Home it had been raining on and off all day. We were exhausted, so my little family all crashed on the couch.

Just before we left to Utah we had some new neighbors move in next door. We had a lovely conversation to get to know them just before we left. We left & they had no idea about my brother and his untimely death. BUT, the day we returned to Oregon—our new neighbor sent us a picture that he had just taken out on our beautiful beach—A gorgeous double rainbow. WHAT!!!?!

My brother was sending rainbows.

Then, as I was typing this blog post, I just learned how rainbows are a sign of someone you have lost. I had no idea. It is so wonderful to feel that he was sending me little signs to let me know he has made it to a beautiful place. Give me more rainbows. Love you, brother.

I just found this beautiful poem.

Peace, Love and Light to you, Scotty xoxo

I just got back from the funeral of the unexpected death of my younger brother. My heart broke as my parents called and told me that my brother, Scott had died the night before. It was an emotional roller coaster of questions—- how, where, why, who was he with…

I have written many posts about my anger, love, frustration, relationship and exhaustion about my brother, Scott. We are 15 months apart and we have been there for one another our whole lives. He called me, “the closest person to me in my life.” So, to lose him so quickly was a sincere blow and heartache. It has taken me weeks to process and try to understand what happened—-was there foul play, how did it happen so suddenly…on and on your mind tries to process the emotional toll of loss. Especially a loss that has such a tie to my heart. This was my little brother that I have walked through life with. I was the one person he remembered after he hit his head and was in the hospital in a coma. I was the person he confided in and told how he would end his life as a teen. At one point I cried and begged him not to try to take his life as a teenager before he drove a car off a cliff. Another period of his life, I remember him in the hospital after trying yet again to leave this world after overdosing on pills. He has had an up and down struggle with this life and it has been hard to watch him spiral. He had not been a drug user or abuser of any type of substance until the last probably 8 years of his life. He began drinking to numb the pain, to find “clarity” in what he would say to others. He kept being tricked into believing he was more honest with his feelings when he was drinking. He quickly became an alcoholic and the disease took over.

He has two, beautiful children who are at the very beginning of their adult lives. They are now and always will only be able to want or wonder about the relationship they could have possibly had with their Dad. Their Dad always loved them, but was unable to truly give love. He was always afraid of rejection and the fear was real for him. He would leave tulips and cards for his daughter without seeing her in person. It was too much for him to possibly feel any type of rejection or shame. He desperately wanted a relationship with both of them and would reach out in his own way to try to connect. On a good day he may invite them for a hike, or if he was drinking, no one would talk to him.

Boundaries became a very real thing in our families. Scott would call and cause havoc in conversations. He would spout off about religious views, tell people to F-off or share his latest conspiracy theory. Alcohol was not his friend and it began to create giant wedges between Scott and everyone around him.

The last time I saw my brother alive was 9 months ago, when my little family drove 14 hours to Utah and we did an impromptu intervention with Scott and his daughter. We wanted to be there for him. We wanted to get him help. We wanted to help him see where he was and what he was doing to the relationships that were closest to him. It was so hard to see my brother treat those he loves with such a selfish, no-care attitude. It honestly took me back to him as a teen and seeing the checked-out glare in his eyes when he was talking about driving a car off a cliff to his death. It scared me. It angered me to think that he was there again and that his life meant so little. BUT, the thing that angered me even more, was how he disregarded and didn’t care about his daughter and her feelings. It broke my heart to see this young girl desperate to help her Dad, wanting to build any type of relationship with him and he just walked away.

I did not talk to him for months after that. I was so disappointed and angry for how he would choose his selfishness over his beautiful daughter. There was no excuse.

My brother was spiraling deeper and deeper into the bottle. My whole family began to see the chaos, the verbal destruction of conversations that would lead no where good, so one by one everyone began to build walls of boundaries and no one would talk to him when he was drinking. His anger began to get louder and then the sadness began to become more prevalent.

One of my last calls with him was him asking me, “Who would even care if I died?” My emotions welled up inside and I cried, “I would. I would care.” Then my broken brother cried, “I know you would. It means so much to me to hear your emotion and know you care.” We talked for awhile. Both of us in tears as he expressed how tired he was of feeling so low. Being so alone. Feeling so alone. He was so broken and my heart broke trying to know how to help. I begged him to get some help and begin again.

One of our last texts, which made me laugh and cry—that I shared at his funeral

One of the last interactions I had w Scotty—-we were texting back and forth….checking in..life happenings…he kept spelling my name wrong.

I teased him, “you alright? You keep spelling my name wrong”

He did a silly smiley face emoji and said,

Heather is gone

I said What?

He sent another silly smiley face

[He kept spelling my name, Hearther]

I questioned…what, am I now Hear and There with a laughing emoji

I like Hearther . HEART HER

Awww. That is sooo sweet. LOVE THAT

I will LOVINGLY take that!!!!!

He sent me a heart emoji

That was the Sweetest text message from him

HEART HER💜🦋

My brother had a service heart and I wish that part of him would have prevailed in leading his life. He had a fun sense of humor. He sincerely LOVED his children. He had so much to give this world, but he got lost. He fell in to the trap of his LOVES BECOMING OUT OF ORDER.

__________________

LOVES OUT OF ORDER STORY

At age 19, Augustine Aurelius – later to be known as Augustine of Hippo – read a dialogue by the Roman philosopher Cicero in which Cicero stated that every person sets out to be happy, but the majority are thoroughly wretched. Truly, no one dreams as a child of one day growing up to be miserable, and yet many people’s lives are characterized by conflict, frustration and unfulfilled longings.

Augustine Aurelius set out to discover why it is that most people are so discontent in life. His conclusion was that for most of us, our loves are “out of order”; we have disordered loves. [nickcady.org]

Disordered loves means that we often love less-important things more, and more-important things less than we ought to, and this wrong prioritization leads to unhappiness and disorder in our lives.

The first time I read about Augustine and his out of order loves it hit me with such truth. When people get disillusioned with any type of addiction (sex, money, food, porn, gaming, selfishness, etc) their loves are out of order. They are choosing the addiction over something else in their life that should be of greater importance. [ie: alcohol addiction over relationship with their family] It makes so much sense.

___________

That was so my brother. His LOVES (his children, his best friend, Michele, his family) were all so important and valued to him, BUT the alcohol had such a strong hold in his life that he could not correct the order and put people before the addiction. His REAL LOVES WERE OUT OF ORDER.

So, as I ponder on life and the short time we have, please evaluate where your life is, where your LOVES are and where they sincerely need to be. I think our LOVES can get lost in the hustle and busy of life, being present can get set aside and other pursuits can rush us by that special moment in someone’s arms, a loving conversation could get missed because of a work call… THINGS can begin to become more important or raised to a higher standard than the people in front of us. Life can become trivial or thoughtless. Create a personal awareness of where you are in your life, what you value, what should be important and where you are in relation to the LOVE you desire for your life.

Do this exercise: Evaluate how to help put your loves back into an appropriate and healthy order for your best life.

“It’s useful to sit down and just say, ‘What do I love? What are the things I really love? And in what order do I love them? Am I spending time on my highest love? Or am I spending time on a lower love?’” Brooks says. “[Time], or your attention or your energy — all that stuff.” -Brooks [Huffington article]

PLEASE give LOVE today. Hug those you LOVE and put them as a priority. Life is short.

xoxo. LOVE YOU, SCOTTY. May you find the PEACE, LIGHT and LOVE you have desired. YOU deserve that.

Month: June 2023

Give me a Rainbow

Oh, brother