Month: March 2024

My younger brother unexpectedly died earlier this year and it was a tremendous shock to my entire family. When I think about him, I have a mix of emotions because so much of his life he felt lost and didn’t feel like he mattered. He often felt like no one would care if he was gone. He attempted suicide multiple times throughout his life and I was there for it all. I was a witness to his life—the pain, the heartache, the hope, the loss, the highs and lows. He was my little brother.

My last couple conversations with him were heartbreaking and we were both in tears talking about how his life did matter and that he would be missed. I felt like I was constantly trying to convince him of his importance and that he did matter.

It is funny how losing someone alters your life. I have had a terrible cold this past week and have found myself watching a home improvement show that has one of the show hosts who looks and has similarities to my brother. It makes me miss him even more. I watch this host and see my brother on certain angles, certain shots of his red beard, far off in the distance. I know it is not my brother but its funny to see someone with similarities and you just want a few minutes more with the one you cared about so deeply.

I LOVE you, Scotty. I miss you. xoxo

I wanted to do this post about the importance of MATTERING. It is a vital need. I think we have generations who are lacking in this necessity and I wanted to write something that may bring about some sort of awareness.

According to an article by the NYTimes, Dr. Flett, now a professor at York University and the author of “The Psychology of Mattering,” is one of the world’s foremost authorities on the subject. He and other experts agree that a sense of mattering is necessary for human flourishing, and while some factors are out of our control, there are steps, both big and small, that everyone can take to enhance it.

To matter, people must feel valued — heard, appreciated and cared for — and they must feel like they add value in ways that make them feel capable, important and trusted, said Isaac Prilleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami and a co-author of “How People Matter.” It’s a two-part definition: feeling valued and adding value.https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/27/well/mind/mental-health-mattering-self-esteem.html#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20people%20who,and%20increased%20risk%20of%20suicide.

According to a Psychology Today article, However, while belonging does give a person a feeling that they are a “qualified member” of a group, it may not have the same positive effect of feeling that they matter to the group to which they belong. “Belonging” doesn’t necessarily mean as much as “mattering” to others (Hallam, 2023).

Think about how we use the word, belonging. My possessions are my belongings, but not all of my possessions matter to me. The scissors belong in the kitchen drawer, and my plates belong in the cabinet. I belong to the team, but do my contributions matter? You belong to your family, but do they show you that your presence matters?

Mattering is the product of two distinct processes at play: feeling valued by others and feeling that you add value to the group (Prilleltensky, 2014).

We feel that we matter when others express appreciation for what we bring and what we do. Belonging may mean that there’s a place for us or that we are “entitled” to a place, but when we matter, it means that others are grateful to have us show up in that place. Belonging is knowing that there is a place at the table for me, but mattering is knowing that the others at the table need me there to feel complete.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202309/do-you-feel-you-matter-to-the-important-people-in-your-life

My thoughts on the topic:

Others around you know they matter because of YOU and how you treat them.

I SEE YOU. Help people feel noticed. I think this is a powerful statement when talking about helping someone feel like they matter. I think many people do not feel seen or heard. They are just, almost, existing. Here are a few basics: Smiling is a simple way to help someone—anyone feel noticed. Saying hello and acknowledging another. Giving a warm hug. Give a genuine thank you in all you do [whether it is thanking a waiter for their cheerful attitude or being prompt or positive to thanking someone you see every day with a sincere note, take the time to say thank you]. Actively listen and make time to truly see and acknowledge them. Pay attention. Listen and hear what they are saying (be aware to not be listening & thinking about your own response) Another part of listening is paying attention to what they are saying, so you can recall details about their life, their favorites, their interests, etc. & be able to talk to them about those things at later dates. Put away your phone! Send a text with a kind note just to check on them and connect. Look someone in the eyes when you are in their presence and let them know how glad you are they are there with you. Be fully present.

YOU MATTER. Help others see they are important. How can we help others know they matter? Well, be responsive. Who definitely feels a lack of mattering when you send a text, it says its been read but you get no response, Right? OR, when you are with someone & they get a message from someone else & they have to look at their phone or respond at that same moment. It doesn’t make you feel very important, or that they are being present with you, right? Another thing you can do to show others they matter, be interested in them, genuinely care, and ask questions. My daughter gets so frustrated with the dating game because so many of the guys she talks to or dates are so one sided. They don’t seem to ever ask or be interested in her. They respond with answers about their day, their interests…rarely ask about her. That does not make her feel like she matters to them.

What else can we do to help others know they matter? Keep good eye contact, do personal, interested check-ins on their lives and what is important to them. [ex: my daughter loves to keep people’s bdays in her calendar so she can send a fun shoutout to friends and family on their day. When possible she sends it in a group text so others can chime in with additional messages] Give an authentic compliment. Genuinely listening to someone will really let them know that they matter. When you ask a question, wait for an answer. Give a gift to show someone they matter, whether it is a gift of your time or a small token of your appreciation, like a meal, a drawing or poem you create, a song you share, a memory you make together, etc.

YOU ARE NEEDED. Help others see they are needed. Praise and appreciate others and let them know they are necessary in your life, your community, organization, work, school, etc. People need to hear specific positive strengths, the difference they are making, why they are needed. How to do that? Ask someone their thoughts or opinions on a specific topic or perspective. Share with others what makes them special or needed to you on a personal level. Be specific when sharing your feelings [ie: “I love and appreciate you” vs “I love that you are in my life, you bring such a playful, light-hearted attitude to our relationship.”] When you depend and build trust with someone it tells them they are needed.

MATTERING CREATES PURPOSE. I know when it came to my brother and his mental wellness I always tried to be there to talk him off a ledge or guide him towards getting help for his addictions. I would send him positive books or podcasts to hopefully help him feel better, etc. I felt I had some purpose in helping his life matter. That then also gave me the satisfaction of feeling like I mattered to someone. When my brother died, my mom in tears said, ” he doesn’t need me anymore.” My heart ached for her because she felt like a piece of her purpose was gone. It is like a circle of purpose in meeting one another’s needs in a way. Whether we smile at a stranger, pick up a sea star and send it back into the ocean, volunteer to tutor kids after school, pick up trash at a nearby park, coach little league, or answer calls on a help line, etc. We can find a sense of purpose…a place or action that helps us feel value, which helps us matter overall.

Experiencing mattering also reaffirms that we contribute to others and that we have a purpose. A sense of purpose is associated with increased dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, also known as the “happiness trifecta,” the neurotransmitters that control for mood, movement, and motivation.-zachmercurio.com

DONT FORGET YOU. Incredible YOU! You matter. It is easier sometimes to focus on all the ways we don’t get noticed or appreciated. You may need to really focus and evaluate the real impact you have on the lives around you. You may have to compliment yourself and notice your gifts, talents and strengths. You may have to seek and find the ways you try to utilize your skillset for the greater good. You may have moments where YOU need to remind yourself of why and how you matter. That is okay.

DONT COMPARE and DESPAIR. That is one of the quickest ways to kill your personal story on why you matter. Many people can easily jump on social media and see friends, family, colleagues and quickly feel a lack of connection or value on some level. When you start comparing, it is that much easier to feel inadequate in the areas where you really matter. Your self-esteem gets a check and you can quickly spiral into despair. You cannot compare your value to those around you. You are your own version—you live your own value in all you do.

I hope this article helps you find ways to help those around you FEEL like they matter.

We are all in this together, so be mindful of how you make others feel. Others around you know they matter because of YOU and how you treat them.

Peace. Love and Light to you. xoxo. -H