I literally skipped out of the ultra sound radiology room after I was told that the lump was benign and that I will be fine.
My sister was waiting for me in the waiting room and I lit up jumping up and down, “Best day ever. I am going to be fine!!” Another woman sat in the room & smiled, “it is a good day,” she replied.
I was a flutter of good energy, so grateful to be alive, to not have cancer running through my body, to FINALLY KNOW that this bubble gum sized ball in my breast was nothing!! It was a morning of unknowns & then you look at the mammogram and see a dark, black mass & wonder if that is a good or bad thing. You have no idea until you hear the final verdict.
I cannot even imagine. I looked at the ultra sound tech and grabbed her and gave her a big hug. My emotions got me & I said to her, “I bet you have seen many different outcomes.” She responded, “My mom had cancer, so days like today are good ones. I feel like I am helping people & this is a great outcome.”
My sister and I hugged each other as we left the nurse’s station and I began balling with happy tears as we walked out the doors. It was like a flood of emotion ran through me and relief swelled up inside my heart. I grabbed my sister so tight and told her, “I was so scared. I am so grateful. You have no idea.” We both cried and then cheered with joy. It was literally one of the happiest moments of my life. I just kept feeling so much gratitude in my heart. I know people walk out of their daily being told to go see an oncologist and I was a truly blessed person to walk out of there feeling relief, joy, gratitude. It was humbling.
I got home & my daughter was waiting in the doorway. I ran up to her and grabbed her so tight and told her everything was good and I was going to be okay. I started crying happy tears again. I expressed to her how blessed and lucky we are that I was healthy and that it was benign. We hugged the biggest hug ever. Relief filled both of our hearts.
It is a pretty delicate thing to look at a huge fear and know you have no control.
The day before I went to the hospital (Tuesday of this week)–my last post, I went on a long walk alone and just cried and cried. The what if’s were strong, but I looked at the mountain range in front of me & I said, “God. You can create incredible mountain peaks. Surely, you could remove or take away a small pebble sized fear in my breast.” I kept thinking that and crying. I kept looking at the immense mountains around me and had to have a greater faith that things would be okay.
I got to the end of my walking path & walked close to a small river. I looked down and noticed a black rock that had tons of small lines all over it. At our house we call black rocks with white lines, “Spirit or wish rocks.” Most spirit rocks just have a single, white line, but this rock had multiple lines in every direction. I picked it up, looked at it and said, “You have many wishes you hold. You are what I need to hold on to & have faith in many good wishes.” I took that rock home & I also carried it with me to the hospital.
FAITH truly is in small details. I now feel the lump in my breast and know that it will be a reminder to me to have faith that things will be okay and that I am blessed.
GRATEFUL and BLESSED will never be enough expression of the relief, the gift, the shift that has taken place in knowing what a different journey I could have been on today.
THANK YOU is all I can even begin to say.
God bless. give thanks. be grateful in all things. Thank you. xoxo
I have always loved this quote because it is so true. I am still waiting for the feeling of confusion to turn to clarity, but every experience is what you turn it into. I pray we can turn this into an even better vision for tomorrow.
You can always find so many things you are grateful for right now!! Since my husband has been gone he has mentioned a few of the ‘comforts of home’ he misses. It may sound funny, but he missed the cheese & bread we usually buy. He misses going to our local gas station & buying his favorite soda. He misses our shower, because now he showers in either a KOA shower (used by numerous people) or his tiny RV stall (which is 3 x 3). I am not complaining. We are extremely grateful for the RV. We are by no means destitute or living on the street, but I know this experience will help us learn a few things about ourselves, our relationship and all that we take for granted. Think of some things you take for granted & are grateful for. LIST THEM.
I am grateful to have my little family, even though we are apart. Separation truly does make the heart grow fonder. (I have learned that!). I am grateful to breathe, to smile, to walk, to smell fresh air, to take warm showers, to see the beautiful, blue sky, to hug my daughter, to talk on a phone, to have my parents still close, to have a home, to have a job, to have clean water, to live in freedom, to have a healthy body that can move, to walk through forests, to feel the sunlight upon my face, to play with my dog, to dream, to create, to write, to have an abundance of food, to hear my dog bark (haha–he is crazy), to see butterflies, to see the change in light outside, to…there are so many things if we take a moment to notice. What are you grateful for? Think about it.
With the US Independence day this weekend it makes me reflect how blessed I feel to be free. I think many Americans have no idea how free we are.
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