“The loss of a brother or sister is not small, unimportant, or invisible. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I call sibling loss ‘the loss of a lifetime,’ because who else do we expect to have relationships with that stretch our entire lives?” -Lynn Shattuck

It has been a year today since I got a call from my parents & they told me my brother had died. I was with my sweet husband driving down Hwy 101 in Oregon & I could sincerely not believe the conversation or loss that would forever change my life. I cried and cried. I was not sure where to go or what to do. I was alone with my husband in another state away from any family. I wanted to get as close to heaven as I could to make sure my brother knew I was thinking about him. We drove to the Yaquina Head Lighthouse and climbed a small mountain that looked out over the ocean. I had never experienced such wind, but we pushed ourselves to the top & as I looked out over the vast ocean view all I could do is cry, throw my hands up like a bird & face the wind. I stood there talking to my brother like a prayer. “Scotty, you had always wanted to visit Oregon. You have always loved the rain. I know you are looking down on me right now. This is for you…enjoy this view.” It was such a beautiful way to think of him. To feel so close to the sky & have a huge, vast ocean view below. It was humbling and memorable and forever.

It is definitely a ‘loss of a lifetime’ because you think of all the things you miss together, the conversations you could have had, to see his face or hear him talk about his first grandchild that was born this year and to know how excited he was to know and love him. It is a bunch of emotions and feelings of want, need, wonder, wishes…but in the end I have no control or idea where or how my brother is. All I can do is blow kisses to the wind, talk to him when I am alone or wonder what he is doing. I can look at old pictures or ponder memories, but its like a faded story that seems to lose a little more of the details, the almost hazy blur that sneaks in when you try to think of a specific smell or detail. Its like you slowly forget about someone you loved so much. It is heartbreaking. No matter how hard you try to hold on. Life continues without someone who was always supposed to be a witness to my life, a sibling, a friend, family that knows and loves you no matter what…why? because you have a history together and your bond is unbreakable. It is hard to lose someone like that!

I love you, brother. Wherever you are I hope you FEEL nothing but LOVE. You deserve that peace. xoxo