Tag: Mindfulness

Shh. A vow of SILENCE

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“Listen to silence. It has so much to say.”  Rumi

I was almost living a type of monk life–in a way. [without the meditation 24/7, robes…smile.smile.] No one but me and the dog for months at a time. Besides occasionally hearing from my daughter or friends or family via phone—I have been secluded in my little, beach house all alone. A kind of personal retreat for awhile. I would have background music playing with gorgeous images of places around the world playing on my tv via YouTube. I would work on projects or go on a walk…I have felt so productive…mostly calm. Honestly, sometimes lonely, but I genuinely appreciate the quiet and the alone time.

I think that is why when my daughter came home (from college) to stay for this semester it has been a bit of a challenge juggling our personalities, personal needs, car, time, meals, wants…she wants tv in the background when she works on stuff. I need calm music. It is a time of finding balance. Seeking to find that place within myself where I can exist and be my best.

My daughter and I have been struggling daily with communication, so I teased, “Well, maybe I will take a vow of silence.” Her response, “that’s stupid.”

Honestly, our time together has had very high, memorable moments of walking on the beach together, driving the coast with the convertible top down on a sunny day listening to fun music, moments laughing at memories… but it has also been a lot of conversations with struggle, frustration, intensity… as she tries to find her wings and break free from me. Often I feel things might be better if I just took a vow of silence…honestly.

That may seem a little extreme, but it got me on the wonderment of the benefits and why, oh why, do monks and highly spiritual people usually find some sort of benefit from periods of SILENCE.

Think about it! What happened to the slower times where people would get lost in the silence of washing clothes & hanging them on the line outside, or doing dishes by hand, raking leaves, planting flowers, handwriting letters and cards, reading the paper, ironing a shirt for work…etc. Things use to be a slower time. Silence was found a little easier in the slow stitches made in creating a quilt or outfit by hand. Today there is more of a rush, not a stillness in the between actions of the day. We are on a constant hum of being busy, checking all media, reading texts, making social posts, cars that drive while we work or watch, as well as work, exercise, school, family, etc.

My daughter just spent a month in France with her boyfriend and his family. She came back talking about how fun it was to wash her clothes and then hang them on a line outside to dry. She had a glimpse of a simpler time–when silence was found more often in the daily chores or activities of our lives.

So, what happened to us? Our society use to have more time in silence, even within the doing. Now, we just rush and move within a greater chaos and feel more overwhelmed, anxious and stressed. We are overstiumlated by technology, scheduled busyness, status, expectation…the list goes on and we are left without those moments of silence that help calm, create, and move us to a greater depth within that opens us to something better and healthier.

So, with the change of our lives I decided to jump in, research SILENCE and share, so here we go… the benefits. the method. the maybe you should think about trying to take a vow of silence for yourself…

A VOW OF SILENCE…even for a day! Begin with an hour.

I am going to begin with an hour and go from there. I think we should all at least experience it for a time.

VOW OF SILENCE: On a basic level it is deciding to just take some time to be silent and not speak. To some people they may look at it as means of protest or of deepening their spirituality.

This study1 suggests that silence causes the most brain and neuron growth of all the sounds in mice.

Silence is indeed golden, and many people choose a vow of silence to go inward or reflect on their communication patterns.

A vow of silence is a commitment to abstain from speaking for a set period. People often undertake vows of silence for spiritual, personal growth, or mindfulness reasons. When you can’t speak for an extended period, it can lead to deeper reflection and awareness of your thoughts and emotions.
-scienceofpeople.com. [great article with some further details https://www.scienceofpeople.com/vow-of-silence/#:~:text=People%20often%20undertake%20vows%20of,%2C%20weeks%2C%20or%20months%20long.]

HOW and WHY

According to Healthline: They contend that even people who aren’t religious or spiritual can experience profound benefits from observing a period of silence, whether it’s for a couple of hours or several weeks.

It is a good way to disconnect [from devices, technology, work, life] to truly connect within and on a higher level

It quiets your mind from the external chatter and helps quiet the internal chatter as well.

It awakens a deeper, innate awareness.

Silence may also help people become more mindful and connected to themselves and others.

“You feel more in touch with the universe and yourself,”… “As a result, you’re more creative, you’re more articulate, you get less angry and your negative emotions take a back seat. You’re more aware of your emotions and what you’re thinking, feeling, and saying.” -Michelle Thielen, Yoga Faith from a Healthline article

The farther you pull back on an arrow, the farther the arrow will go when it’s released. We humans are no different. To go further on the spiritual journey, we need to withdraw from all the senses and sense objects and sit in the cave of our hearts…in silence. -artoflivingretreatcenter.org

HEALTH BENEFITS:

Silence may help your health in several ways, including:

one of the benefits is experiencing [silence is] a dopamine reset – being able to create more “pause” between your addictive and reactive tendencies. -myspiritualshenanigans.blog

Silence helps with mental acuity, stress, concentration

The hippocampus—the section of the brain that regulates memory, emotion and learning—is the beneficiary of silence, according to several research studies. In one 2013 study, mice who were given two hours of pure silence each day grew new cells—complete with functioning neurons—in their hippocampus regions. -guideposts.org

Silence can set the stage for the practice of mindfulness, which has a range of mental health benefits. “Being mindful and aware of what is happening in the present moment can reduce anxiety, quiet racing thoughts, and calm the nervous system, says Sarah Kaufman, a licensed master social worker based in New York City. -Psych Central

Promotes Self-awareness: Silence can help increase your self-awareness by giving you the chance to observe and accept your thoughts and feelings without judgment. -Psych Central

SOME GUIDELINES:

HOW LONG: Up to you on length—a day, a week, a month…an hour…you decide.

Just begin—you can begin small with five minutes and grow your practice from there.Take the time that FEELS good to you. Find a quiet space, set a timer for five minutes and get rid of any distractions or external noise. Your mind will race but will eventually find a rhythm and begin to calm and slow. Just breathe.

Try a Daily or Weekly Technology Fast
Instead of reading on your smart phone during lunch, try eating in silence, savoring every bite. Or program your phone to block calls and your computer to “sleep” for a certain period every day; use that time to slow down, breathe deeply and think freely. You might even fast from technology on your day off or all weekend -guidepost

Nature calls Walking in the woods, meandering down quiet streets, strolling down a beach, or sitting on a bench and just listening to the wind…nature has a special space that opens up and welcomes silence.

WHY are you wanting to take a vow of silence for a period of time? You want to practice more of a mindfulness practice? You want to develop better listening skills? You want to reach a higher, personal spiritual place?

Silence empties you and creates space for creativity, joy, purity, and innovation to dawn. -artoflivingretreatcenter.org

HOW long do you desire to be silent for? For an entire day? A few hours. A certain period of days with certain hours to practice silence. A morning? Maybe two days of the month you do a 24 hour silence vow. Do you want to be silent UNLESS someone asks you a question & then you respond. Will you communicate via text or online during this time? Will you be alone or around people during this time? Is it more an all or nothing period OR blocking out specific time during your day? Do you need to take it to a more serious level and sign-up for an actual retreat or scheduled session with a professional? You decide.

A Sample of a Silent Retreat: In a silent retreat, participants take a vow of silence for 3–4 days based on the length or duration of the program. A vow of silence entails. [taken from artoflivingretreatcenter.org]

No gestures or greetings to fellow participants or staff.

No speech or communication through any medium for a given period

No writing or reading

No looking in the mirror

SHARE your plan, so people are aware of what you are trying to do for yourself. Make notecards if necessary to ensure people understand and see your commitment (especially if you are in any social situations–like work)

TOOLS to make your time intentional. Turn your phone off and take the time wo distractions. Do you want to journal during your time? Do you want to take walks in the woods or at the beach? Do you need to plan it as a special hotel occasion? Make time to reflect and ponder feelings, thoughts that come up, self-awareness, inner work that needs to be noticed, etc.

TAKE NOTE observing what is playing on your mind during silence may unlock creative ideas, personal thoughts and prayers, messages to yourself, personal needs or wants…make a note or journal the various feelings that come up

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT…TOO MUCH NOISE. WE NEED SILENCE. Studies report that most adults spend between 3-6 hours a day recreationally on their phone and 3-6 hours at work using their phone. Look around your staff room at the next break and observe the use of phones. When I walk or am at the gym most people have devices in their ears. All this stimulation and information, whether it is auditory or not, is noise to our brains. It is a cultural norm now to be constantly preoccupied, and immersed in noise, information, and diversion. Is there a cost for this constant noise?

Overstimulation or hyperarousal of the brain due to constant information, noise and demands can leave people feeling burnt-out, and anxious and with increased feelings of anxiety, failure, and humiliation, in addition to difficulties with creating boundaries with others​3​. Continuous noise can affect our mental health, create panic, increase frustration and over time the mind can lose the capacity to concentrate on things ​4​ Our brains are simply not wired to listen continuously.  Cognitively we are listening at a rate disproportionate to our cognitive capacity to process and pay attention. https://www.stemlynsblog.org/the-science-of-silence/

shhh. Breathe. Be still.

Take the time to make space for silence. Our society has created environments that almost indulge in speed, technology and doing. We can only hope that people can begin to see the necessity of space, stillness, and quiet that opens pathways to enhance our brains and lead to more balanced lives. Silence allows us to channel higher awareness, creativity, imagination, dreams… that will open the doors to better health, heartfelt connections, personal clarity, less anxiety and awaken a higher part of ourselves.

shhh. Silence does have so much to say.

Have a beautiful life. Begin today. Be still and listen. Peace, Love and Light to you. xoxo. -H

HEALTHY BOOST

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I have been researching and reading and listening to some incredible HEALTHY HACKS…

Here are some of my favorites that I am excited to share

HAPPINESS HACKS

From the book, “Happiness Hacks. 100% Scientific! curiously Effective!” by Alex Palmer–fun book full of researched happiness hacks and facts.

Seven (Hours) to a Long Life: How long should you sleep to live a longer life? data from 1.1 million men and women aged thirty to 102 and found that the best rate of survival was among those who slept about seven hours a night.—they also said “skip the sleeping pills”

Take 8 day vacations–“Researchers found that feelings of health and well-being increased right away during vacation, then peaked on the eighth day, where they remained until the eleventh day, after which the enjoyment levels faded out. From this, the researchers suggest that eight days is about how long it takes to let go of concerns about work responsibilities and stress—but before feelings of homesickness or restlessness set in.”

Drop the “not enough time” excuse—it is an excuse. “Most people over the years give the major reason for not participating in leisure activities as ‘not enough time’ However, we should distrust this explanation and more often than not treat it as an ‘excuse.’ In our time-use studies, we have found that when people say they don’t have enough time..they are watching three to four hours of television a day. Time constraints do not really seem to be the issue, rather its a question of priorities.” -Roger Mannell, Distinguished Professor, University of Waterloo

Connect with Nature–“People who describe themselves as more connected to nature–who see themselves as part of nature, also report more happiness–more positive emotions and purpose in life…its not that people who live in rural areas, who are surrounded by nature, are off-the-charts happy compared to people in cities. In cities, the people who find themselves near parks where there are some trees, these are the people who are happier. The little things matter: parks, gardens, even bird feeders.” -John Zelenski, professor of psychology, Carleton University

–even just looking at nature can improve your mood. Get outside. Head to a park. Buy a plant. Set your office up by a window.

Feeling down? Turn on some lights–or at least turn them up. In three separate studies, researchers at the University of Toronto and China’s Sun Yay-sen University found a correlation between people’s feelings of hopelessness and their perception of room lighting.

Reduce, Reuse and Smile—Going green is not just good for the planet–it has also been found to put those who do it into a better mood. The Happiness Research Institute of the Danish Ministry of the Environment found a link between behaviors that benefit the environment and individual happiness. Those who instituted household practices such as using recycling bins, composting, or even installing water-saving faucets & energy saving appliances reported an uptick in their level of happiness.

Rent or Buy? A study done in the UK investigated whether people were happier renting or owning their homes. The survey results showed that homeowners were just as likely to list money as their biggest concern. It also found that people renting a room or a detached house were more likely than those who owned their home to believe they had a good work life balance. Not only that, renters reported enjoying relaxing at home more than homeowners, who tend to put traveling as one of their primary keys to happiness.

Ten minutes is enough–Researchers sought out to answer “How much exercise is enough to feel better?” Feelings of confusion, fatigue, and negative mood improved after just ten minutes of exercise. After twenty minutes, only feelings of confusion improved. After thirty minutes of sustained exercise, none of the negative moods saw further improvement. Of course, exercising for longer has plenty of physical benefits, but the researchers concluded that exercising in short, ten minute bursts a few times a day is enough to provide immediate improvements in mood.

Drink more coffee–Spanish researchers following almost 20k people over a decade found that those who drank at least four cups per day had a 64 percent lower risk of dying—than those who never or almost never consumed coffee.

Take a social sabbatical: Danish researchers did a study & asked over 1,ooo subjects to stop using Facebook for a week. The Facebook quitters described feeling a big increase in their concentration, decisiveness, enthusiasm and more.

Snap a Selfie: Researchers took a group of people and separated them into three groups. The first group was instructed to take a smiling selfie each day. The second group, was told to take a picture of something that made them happy and the third group was to take a picture of something they thought would bring happiness to another person & then send the image to others. Researchers studied various measurements of the subjects moods & found an uptick in all three categories in their happiness levels. Their reasons varied: Their smiles became more natural over time, while those taking photos of things that made them happy said they became more appreciative of the little things that brought them joy in life. Those taking pictures and sending them to others reported feeling more connected to the people to whom they sent the images & felt a reduction in stress. So, turn your cell phone into a happiness booster by snapping a smiling pic of yourself or something you like once a day.

Understand that your work should not be about the paycheck: Good rule of thumb–80K is enough. After $75k you hit a happiness plateau. Those making millions may be able to buy nice things, but they don’t enjoy a higher level of happiness.

Other little things: Get a savings jar, move closer to work (commute time can get you down), Turn off the TV, Get a pet, Get some flowers, Grab some nuts, work out with friends, Talk don’t text over long distances, Know that texting kills your GPA, Get plants….there are so many happiness hacks. Go grab this book and learn about ALL the studies that have been done to help bring happiness.

HAPPY HORMONES HACKS: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/web-stories/easy-tips-to-hack-happy-hormones/photostory/108181003.cms

HELP for BUSY BRAIN

BUSY BRAIN CURE by Dr Romie: Heal the Root Cause: Gain insights into the interconnectedness of ADHD, anxiety, and insomnia, and how brainSHIFT reverses these symptoms. She even has brain tests to help you score and see what you need on a personal level. So GREAT!! https://drromie.com/busy-brain-test-resources/

So, What is Busy Brain: Busy Brain manifests in a number of different ways. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

  • Low energy when you wake up
  • Energy dips throughout the day
  • Can’t focus without caffeine or stimulants
  • Feeling anxious over simple tasks
  • Can’t shake worries out of your mind
  • Racing thoughts at night prevent you from falling asleep
  • Waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to get back to sleep

A Busy Brain is a pattern of neuroinflammation caused by chronic stress and burnout. Busy Brain manifests as a combination of anxiety, adult-onset attention deficit disorder (ADD /ADHD), and insomnia.

you’re chronically stressed and burned out and you think this is the norm. And what happens is you’re stuck on the cycle of needing stimulants all day; coffee, energy drinks. If that fails, doctors are overprescribing stimulants like Adderall and Ritalin. Some people need it, but not everybody. And then you’re anxious all day. So then you need wine or alcohol or a prescription sedative, like a sleeping pill or anxiety pill, to take you off.

And it’s making it worse. So “busy brain”—and clinical terms for the clinical folks listening—is a specific pattern of neuro inflammation, inflammation in the brain. And what I call the “busy brain center,” the limbic system and the hypothalamus that’s disturbing the circadian rhythm, the biological clock of the brain, and you’re stuck in the cycle of difficulty focusing and anxious thing all day, and you’re wired and you’re tired and you want to fall asleep and you can’t shut down racing thoughts when you go to bed at night, or you wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “Ooh, I’m wide awake. Let me just get a load of laundry done

Here are some of her TIPS: brainSHIFT #1: Digital Detox

What if I told you that one simple change in your evening routine could dramatically improve your sleep? If you struggle to fall and stay asleep, it’s a sign that your brain is overstimulated.

One of the leading causes of this is exposure to digital devices before bed. The combination of blue light and the dopamine hit you get each time you hear your phone ding is a recipe for sleep disaster.

The Solution is Digital Detox
Follow these steps for 1 week and pay attention to how your sleep changes during this time. For better results, extend the practice for 2 weeks (and keep it going for life!).

  • 30 minutes before bedtime, put away all your devices (phone, tablet, computer, and TV).

Replace device time with a calming activity.

  • Replace device time with a calming activity.
  • Light a candle and spend a few minutes longer on your nighttime hygiene rituals.
  • Sip a cup of herbal tea.
  • Write down 3 things you’re grateful for today. 
  • Read a book (but not on your Kindle!). 
  • Take a few quiet moments to connect with your partner, child, or fur baby.
  • If you find this easy, extend your digital detox time. If you can start 2 hours before bedtime, you’ll be amazed at how much your sleep will improve.

Some of her other essentials in her 8 week program

Step One TAKE her BRAIN TEST https://drromie.com/busy-brain-test-resources/ & get your score.

Step two is SLEEP CHALLENGE in chapter 11 (in her book), we have you download the seven-day sleep challenge: This is based on cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia and integrative medicine. And we give supplement recommendations. The whole idea is no matter what’s going on in your world, I want you to reset your sleep-wake cycle, your circadian rhythm, to the best of your ability.  That you’re sleeping well, getting restorative sleep and just even psychologically prioritizing sleep. 

What you are watching: even if you’re watching something that makes you laugh, it’s still waking you up. So if you’re watching something that garners a positive experience, which is typically pure comedy, which is very rare to find—most of them are still laced with darker themes and this that can raise stress hormone levels. Even if you’re watching a comedy, you’re laughing and it’s boosting dopamine and adrenaline. Wonderful during the day, but at night, all of a sudden you got energy now. But so like, that’s the issue. But you know, most people are watching like CSI crime shows. And here’s something amazing that mindfulness literature teaches us is whatever you’re watching.

So even if it’s a horse race, let’s say, your subconscious mind is immersed in that thinking you’re in the middle of the crime scene, that you’re in the middle of the horse race. So your brain is reacting. So while you think I’m distracting myself, not relaxing, watching this, you’re actually creating a busier brain for yourself. So in the seven-day sleep challenge, we walk you through picking activities and we have a list on the website of our “evolutionaries,” we call them, some of their favorite activities, things. What feeds into the airport traffic control tower of our brains that all of us can control is what we see, what we smell, what we taste, what we hear, and what we touch. So we actually ask you to make a ritual to calm the senses down.  (-brainymoms.com interview)

DO the Digital Detox [above]

She has more steps in her book—go check it out.

4 Lessons from Yale’s Happiness Course:

Savor: Savoring is the deliberate, post-activity act of looking back on what you did, and taking time to appreciate it.

Invest in temporal things: invest in experiences. A referenced study by Dr. Leaf Van Bovenfound a negative correlation between spending on material objects and mental wellbeing. Yet spending on experiences was shown to have a significant and positive correlation to mental wellbeing — do to their openness for “positive reinterpretation” over time.

Recognize the GI Joe Fallacy: happiness takes work, not just reading about how to attain it.

Make healthy comparisons. Remember how the things and people you love could have easily not been here. -taken from https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/story/4-lessons-from-yales-happiness-course-193609143.html

What Would Oprah Say: Happiness in five words: ‘Do something for someone else’ [inc mag]

8 DIMENSIONS OF WELLNESS:

Occupational therapist and researcher Peggy Swarbrick defines wellness as “a conscious, deliberate process that requires being aware of and making choices for a more satisfying lifestyle.” It is marked not by the absence of illness or stress, but by the presence of elements like purpose in life, joyful relationships, and satisfying work and play. 

Back in the 1990s, Swarbrick began developing a version of the “wellness wheel” model that many educational and health institutions rely on today. That model identifies eight interconnected dimensions of wellness: emotional, physical, intellectual, environmental, social, spiritual, financial, and occupational. 

The EMOTIONAL dimension “involves the ability to express feelings, enjoy life, adjust to emotional challenges, and cope with stress and traumatic life experiences,” per Swarbrick. 

Emotional Self-Care Practices

-Mindfulness meditation: There are tons of free videos and apps that make mindfulness accessible. 

-Jot down how you’re feeling first thing in the morning or right before you go to bed to get better at connecting with and expressing yourself. Not a fan of writing? Try voice journaling. 

-Listen to an audiobook of your favorite story or novel from when you were a kid. This one is just a great way to feel warm and cozy and reconnect with your inner child (and it’s perfect to pair with a bubble bath). LibriVox is a free website with thousands of public domain audiobooks to stream or download. 

The PHYSICAL dimension–It’s important to move your body, eat nutritious foods, minimize harmful habits like smoking, and keep up with preventative health care measures. 

Physical Self-Care Practices

-Develop a nighttime routine. Good habits are key when it comes to overall wellness — and creating a nightly ritual before bed can help you lock in those seven to nine hours of slumber every evening. Here are 23 tips to get started. 

-Sitting a lot? Start adding short bursts of activity to your day.

The INTELLECTUAL dimension— It should come as no surprise that keeping our brains sharp is part of cultivating overall wellness. Lifelong learning is tied to decreased cognitive decline and increased memory, according to the University of Cincinnati. 

Intellectual Self-Care Practices

–Discover an educational podcast. 

-Check out these brain exercises to help improve memory, cognition, and creativity.

-Pick up a new hobby: Try one of these 31 suggestions.

The ENVIRONMENTAL dimension— Swarbrick defines environmental wellness as feeling physically safe, living in safe and clean surroundings, and having access to clean air, food, and water. It applies to both our “micro-environments,” like our homes and offices, as well as “macro-environments” — our cities, states, countries, and the planet we all live on. 

Environmental Self-Care Practices

-Tidy up: Scrubbing your tub may not feel like self-care, but a clean house is associated with improved mental health. Here’s a 20-minute cleaning checklist. 

–Have houseplants? Touch base with them. Do they need misting? New soil? Not only does tending to your plants help keep your home beautiful, but spending time with greenery is good for you. 

-Pick up litter around your neighborhood (and get some fresh air while you’re at it).  

The SOCIAL WELLNESS dimension–Social wellness, as defined by the eight dimensions model, “involves having relationships with friends, family, and the community, and having an interest in and concern for the needs of others and humankind.”

Social Self-Care Practices

-Write a longhand letter to a family member in another state or country, or find a new pen pal to start exchanging snail mail with. 

-Video call a friend: Texting and liking each other’s posts on social media are great for keeping in touch, but sometimes you just need to see someone’s face.  

The SPIRITUAL realm of the eight dimensions model is all about finding balance, purpose, and peace. That may be through belonging to a religious community, participating in cultural traditions, or simply engaging with the natural world.

Spiritual Self-Care Practices

–Create a mantra for yourself to repeat when times are tough. This writer is partial to author Glennon Doyle’s famous motto (and the name of her podcast), “We can do hard things.” 

-Connect with nature in whatever way you can — maybe it’s going skiing or maybe it’s just sitting by a window and reading a book. Tip: Get a fresh sense of perspective by checking out the views on a high elevation hike or rooftop restaurant. 

–Take a virtual museum tour. 

The FINANCIAL dimension–a sense of financial agency and security is important to wellness. There are many free budgeting tools available that can help with the elements of our finances we canexert more control over, like spending and saving.

Financial Self-Care Practices

–Do the 100 envelope challenge.

-Set your financial intentions by identifying and prioritizing your goals. 

-Donate: Feeling like you have that agency over your finances can also be achieved by giving back and sharing with those who are less fortunate.  

The OCCUPATIONAL dimension—the occupational dimension is not solely concerned with career. Rather, it refers to occupying your time with meaningful activities, whether that’s employment, volunteer work, or playing a role in helping care for loved ones. 

Occupational Self-Care Practices

–Find a volunteer opportunity that you can take part in weekly.

-Declutter your desk (or, if you’re feeling more ambitious, your laptop).

-Cook a meal for people in need in your community.

–8 Dimensions of Wellness taken from Nice News https://nicenews.com/health-and-wellness/8-dimensions-wellness-self-care-practices/

I hope you will find those little things that will help with your overall Well of Happiness. We must constantly be filling up the reservoir of what our soul needs. May you find all the resources you need to flourish. xoxo. -Peace, Love and Light to you. -H

Building Emotional Growth

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Wow! I just got slapped in the face with an article that screamed at me about my recent conversations with my beloved daughter. We have had soo many conversations that end up going so south because she gets irritated with me, doesn’t want to talk about certain topics, flat out tells me to shut up or stop!…it goes on. It has been so hard and with that, an emotional roller coaster.

The article Women who haven’t grown up emotionally usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it) -geediting.com on google listed these 8 behaviors that were pretty telling with what behaviors my daughter has been sharing—1. Overly Reactive. 2. Difficulty in accepting responsibility. 3. Avoiding difficult conversations. 4. Dependence on external validation. 5. Struggle with empathy. 6. Difficulty in setting boundaries. 7. Impulsive decision making. 8. Perfectionism

Wow. This was VERY eye opening for me. I have this BEAUTIFUL, college-age daughter that leads, guides, works a great job, has soo many great skills, gifts and talents, but I believe her emotional resilience is in need of a some growth before it takes a further toll on her health. I worry for her and her emotional wellness and well-being.

My key takeaways from the article: (my summaries mixed)

—Practice mindfulness to help pause, reflect, and respond rather than react. [SEE practices below]

—Take responsibility

—Tackle discomfort head on is how we grow and get better. Embrace the tricky or uncomfortable conversations will help all of your relationships become stronger.

—Don’t let the craving for external validation rule you. Your feeling good should not hinge on the thoughts or opinions of others.This is another place where mindfulness can help switch from seeking approval on the outside to finding it within. YOUR worth is up to YOU. [ideas below]

—Practice empathy to create deeper connections.

—Honor your own needs and necessities by having your own personal boundaries.

—Perfectionism often stems from fear of rejection or judgment. Its a defense mechanism that can hinder personal growth. Strive for progress not perfection. [See tips on doing this below]

MY ADDITIONAL RESEARCH:

My additional research into this topic to help anyone out there in need of some emotional growth—be gentle. Begin. Here are some additional directions to help…

Emotional maturity means having the self-control to manage your emotions and work to understand them. -betterup

“It is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or
oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond.”
-EDITH EGER

HOW TO IMPROVE EMOTIONAL MATURITY

  1. Develop a GROWTH MINDSET: Focus on continuous self-improvement and growth rather than nitpicking failures and shortcomings.
  2. Set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: A great sign of standing up for yourself
  3. UNDERSTAND YOUR EMOTIONS: When you understand what makes you angry, sad, or excited, you can use that to your advantage instead of retaliating at the first hint of negativity. Ask yourself what makes you mad or uncomfortable and why.
  4. OWN your mistakes: own up and take responsibility for mistakes or errors–dont blame. Next time you make a mistake, apologize for your error without making excuses for yourself. View each mistake as a learning opportunity to expand your skills and learn more about yourself.
  5. Find a ROLE MODEL: Watch as they handle challenging situations and how they respect their emotions. It could give you insight into better habits to form and inspire you to keep working to develop your maturity.
  6. now that you understand what emotional maturity means, you can learn to stop bottling up your feelings and fearing vulnerability. Emotional maturity helps you communicate better with others, have healthier relation. -Betterup article

Mindfulness is about observing how you’re feeling in the moment without judging yourself. -childmind

Identifying the PATTERN is AWARENESS; CHOOSING no to repeat the cycle is GROWTH. -Billy Chapata

HEALTHY HABITS & SELF-CARE can help.

MINDFULNESS tips and suggestions: Go on a walking meditation, begin a gratitude journal, practice mindful eating, do a body scan before bed, listen to a guided meditation, do a loving-kindness meditation, set daily intentions for yourself, get out in nature, identify feelings,

Exercises From Self.com

3 minute Breathing Space Here’s how to practice the “three-minute breathing space” technique, as described by Dr. Vieten:

  1. Set a timer for three minutes.
  2. Sit in a comfortable position if you can (though standing works too), ideally in a relatively calm environment (the bathroom counts), and close your eyes if you want. Notice what’s happening in your mind and body right now. Are you worrying about a problem or mistake? Do you feel warm or cold? Is there a distracting sound in your environment? Simply notice whatever you’re experiencing at the moment.
  3. Bring your full attention to your breath, focusing on the sensation of the air flowing in and out of your body.
  4. Expand your zone of awareness further out from your breathing so that it includes your whole body. You might notice your posture, your facial expression, or areas of muscle tension. Again, simply pay attention to whatever’s going on with your body.

Four-seven-eight mindful breathing The four-seven-eight mindfulness technique is a type of deep breathing exercise. It’s particularly handy for anxiety, as feeling anxious can deregulate our breathing patterns, says Dr. Urgola.8 “This technique can also be helpful if you’re having trouble sleeping,” she adds, since stress can prevent you from nodding off. To practice four-seven-eight mindfulness breathing:

  1. Close your eyes if it feels comfortable. If not, gaze softly gaze at a spot in your environment.
  2. Inhale for a count of four.
  3. Hold for a count of seven.
  4. Exhale for a count of eight.
  5. Make sure you’re breathing deeply, from the pit of your belly (compared to shallow breathing from your chest) so your lungs fill up fully.
  6. Stay with this pattern as best you can.
  7. End the exercise whenever you feel ready to stop.

People watching exercise You can turn your commute or leisurely walk into a mini mindfulness session by noticing strangers around you. When you notice people, it creates an opportunity to detach from your own mental chatter, allowing you to practice awareness without actually meditating.

  1. Take a moment to notice the people around you.
  2. As you observe them, try not to form judgments or stories about them. If your mind starts to judge or assume, try to let those thoughts go and bring your focus back to a neutral awareness.
  3. If you feel comfortable, you can also try engaging one or more strangers. Maybe say hello, make eye contact, or offer a smile.
  4. If not, that’s fine too. Simply observe whoever is currently around you.

From positive psychology.com they recommend an actual list of week by week mindfulness exercises https://positivepsychology.com/mindfulness-exercises-techniques-activities/

Mindful Eating habits: Mindful eating involves paying closer attention to your food and how it makes you feel. In addition to helping you learn to distinguish between physical and emotional hunger, it may also help reduce disordered eating behaviors and support weight loss. Mindful eating is about using mindfulness to reach a state of full attention to your experiences, cravings, and physical cues when eating.

Fundamentally, mindful eating involves:

  • eating slowly and without distraction
  • listening to physical hunger cues and eating only until you’re full
  • distinguishing between true hunger and non-hunger triggers for eating
  • engaging your senses by noticing colors, smells, sounds, textures, and flavors
  • learning to cope with guilt and anxiety about food
  • eating to maintain overall health and well-being
  • noticing the effects food has on your feelings and body
  • appreciating your food. –taken from health line.com

Mindful Walking exercise: https://www.apa.org/ed/precollege/topss/lessons/activities/activity-mindful-walking.pdf

EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATIONS: Emotions can hit quickly. Become aware of what you are feeling. Name your feelings. [sadness, anger, resentment,—negatives may be hiding underlying fears. Be gentle with yourself and find self-compassion within your emotional reactions. It is okay to not feel okay. Just helping identify what you are feeling is key to understand what emotions and where they are coming from.

7 strategies that can help to manage emotions in a healthy and helpful way. [from better up.com]

—Identify triggers: You shouldn’t try to avoid negative emotions — or be afraid of them. But you also don’t have to keep putting yourself in a situation that brings on unpleasant emotions. Start to look for patterns or factors that are present when you start to feel strong emotions. This requires some curiosity and honesty. Did something make you feel small? Strong emotions often spring up out of our deep-seated insecurities, especially the ones we hide. What is happening around you and what past experiences does it bring up for you? 

–Tune into physical symptoms Pay attention to how you are feeling, including whether you are feeling hungry or tired. These factors can exacerbate your emotions and cause you to interpret your emotions more strongly. If you can address the underlying issue (e.g. hunger, exhaustion), you can change your emotional response.

—Consider the story you are telling yourself 

—Engage in positive self-talk: When our emotions feel overwhelming, our self-talk can become negative: “I messed up again” or “everyone else is so awful.” If you treat yourself with empathy, you can replace some of this negative talk with positive comments. Try encouraging yourself by saying “I always try so hard” or “People are doing the best they can.” This shift can help mitigate the emotions we’re feeling. You can still be frustrated with a situation that isn’t working but no longer have to assign blame or generalize it beyond the situation.

—Make a choice about how to respond: In most situations, we have a choice about how to respond. If you tend to respond to feelings of anger by lashing out at people, you likely notice the negative impact it is having on your relationships. You might also notice that it doesn’t feel good. Or, it feels good at the moment, but the consequences are painful. 

Next time you feel anger or fear, recognize that you get to choose how you want to respond. That recognition is powerful. Rather than lashing out, can you try a different response? Is it possible for you to tell someone that you’re feeling angry rather than speaking harshly to them? Get curious about what will happen if you switch up your responses. How did you feel? How did the other person respond?

–Look for positive emotions: Human beings naturally attribute more weight to negative emotions than positive ones. This is known as negativity bias. Negative emotions, like disgust, anger, and sadness tend to carry a lot of weight. Positive feelings, like contentment, interest, and gratitude are quieter. Making a habit of noticing these positive experiences can boost resilience and well-being.

IT IS OKAY TO NOT FEEL OKAY.

PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION. A few exercises to help with perfectionism: Become aware of your thoughts…journal your thoughts to be able to see and identify what is triggering and creating the behavior. Once you identify, then you can begin to change. Look at your thoughts and question the evidence of if the thoughts are real or have any validity. Let go and allow for mistakes, mis-steps, and help your brain understand that everything will be okay & that it is an opportunity for greater growth mindsets. Help yourself with better self-talk. No one can do it for you, but you. Alter and improve the daily talk that you live with. Your self-talk effects your self-esteem and will lead to a healthier relationship with yourself, others and your overall wellness in life. Become aware and be gentle with your perfectionistic tendencies. When you can acknowledge that you have these deep seeded feelings within & can become aware that this is a deeper problem, you can begin to take action to help yourself. Begin to be gentle in your attitude and actions with what you create, how you work, share ideas, set goals…with an attitude of “this is good enough” and does not have to be perfect. Let go of impossible goals & set reasonable ones for yourself.

Becoming aware of patterns & create a knowing that progress is fluid and ever-changing . Be flexible with yourself and your directions . Begin to LET GO of the pressure and the fear that creates the false need of striving for perfection .

HELPING GET OVER THE NEED FOR EXTERNAL VALIDATION: mindfulness meditation [see above] . Affirmations or personal mantras [also helps reduce negative self-talk] . Surround yourself with people who lift and support rather than deplete you emotionally . Take the time to slow down and give yourself the validation you are seeking . Create YOUR own support system…how

A few ideas from Tiny Buddha suggests: making a special “YOU” section in your daily gratitude journal. Write down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be. When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.

Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Oftentimes, when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.

If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced? You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself. This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.

HAVE A TOOL KIT OF GOOD THINGS TO GO TO WHEN OVERWHELM OR EMOTIONS HIT: have a certain number of songs in a ‘stress less’ or ‘calm’ playlist, go for a walk to get out in nature, practice using your senses to calm (To Touch: silly putty, stuffed animal, stress ball, smooth stone, See: coloring book, Happy photos of friends or family or inspiring happy places, Smell: Scented candle, favorite lip gloss or perfume, Hear: Guided meditation, short podcast, favorite song playlist Taste: favorite snack, something sweet and salty, mints or gum, favorite drink) Do certain activities to ground you. Write a loving note to yourself or put in a compliment journal of nice things people have said to you, so when you are feeling down or anxious—you have some kind words to lift you.

Another idea that I shared with my daughter—I gave her a picture of her when she was six years old. I told her to look at the little girl & I asked her, “Would you tell that sweet, beautiful girl all the horrible things you tell yourself? You wouldn’t tell her that ‘she is going nowhere,’ ‘ that she is not happy,’ ‘that she is not where she needs to be in life and should be doing better.'” It was heartbreaking to hear my daughter talk so critiquely of herself. I told her to take the picture of her as a young girl and when she starts to say mean thing to herself or listening to the harsh critic in her head..to look at that picture and tell her, “everything is going to be alright. I love you.”

“When we’re anxious, we get into the cycle of repeating the same thoughts, the same behaviors, over and over again,” says Jennifer Teplin, LCSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Manhattan Wellness in New York City. “Distraction is grounding and can break us out of those repetitive thoughts.” 

Having stuff you can smell, taste, see, touch, or hear is more likely to calm you down and help you focus your thoughts on something tangible at the same time. -jedfoundation.org

I hope these ideas help you or someone you love reach a little higher, be a bit gentler and find the deeper love that we all seek in one way or another. We are all just trying to do our best. We all have different journeys, experiences, struggles…it will get better. Just keep LOVE in your heart.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

Give yourself the LOVE and GENTLE CARE YOU NEED. xoxox. -H

Women who haven’t grown up emotionally usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it)
Women who haven’t grown up emotionally usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it)