Tag: Self-compassion

Self-worth vs Self-esteem

I have been struggling to understand the emotional swings and ups and downs of my sweet, college daughter. She has been struggling to move on from her happy childhood into adulting. She has been trying to find her wings, while dealing with feelings of needing to let go of her necessity to depend on her mom & dad. She has been seemingly caught in-between two places of childhood and adulting and it has been a big adjustment—it has been HARD. It has helped me to see and understand a different level of personal worth, finding the confidence you need and building the essentials that comes with experience and growth.

I was reading an article trying to find ways to understand my daughter when I read an article about self-worth and self-esteem—according to thrive global, Self-worth is the deep-rooted internal belief of being good enough and worthy of love, of feeling secure to belong just as you are. Conversely, self-esteem is the feeling of confidence and competence in one or more specific areas of your life. The differences suggesting that self-esteem is gained from all the external factors in life (outside influences, external factors like your clothing style, your friends, your body image, your relationships, your job…it is fleeting, and can change ) VS your self-worth and how that is all an inside job in beginning to know and understand the higher level, best self within.

Another way of looking at this is your FEELINGS. HIGH-AROUSAL positive feelings cause emotions such as exuberance, ecstasy, euphoria come when you find yourself in favorable CIRCUMSTANCES. For instance, when you are thrilled when a crush agrees to go on a date or you get a promotion at work, BUT circumstances can change & the relationship or job is not what you expected and the situations turn into disappointments. The, you also have LOW-AROUSAL positive feelings such as calm, serenity, tranquility, and contentment that come FROM WITHIN. They are the more authentic, durable, stable feelings that come from a place where you are content with the world regardless of your relationship, job status, changes in your romantic or professional life—will not alter these feelings of contentment. -ideas taken from berkleywellbeing

So, how do you know if you have low self-worth?

Become AWARE. Awareness is key. Seek out the inner critic in your thoughts. Is there a bit of a bully playing in the background of your life?? Pay attention to the narrative in your head. The inner critic threatens, “You are going to fail,” monitors weaknesses or mistakes, “You messed this up again,” commands “You should stop acting like a fool,” and judges, “You don’t look good.” Self-criticism harnesses negative emotions like fear, shame, and guilt. It is not a helpful motivator. You can learn to replace these destructive thoughts with positive growth-orientated ones through awareness and practice, which are scientifically proven to be more motivating than continually berating yourself. -thrive global My daughter has a bit of a bully that shows up & is mean! We call her Shhmate!! (instead of Kate 🙂 She is one who reacts and in some instances she gets emotional and physical—a real, bully!! Your inner critic is the harsh voice that causes an inner struggle between your brain and your body, which then causes a physical flight or flight response. This internal action then causes your body to create higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which takes a greater toll on your whole physical system. One of the best ways to combat your inner critic is with self-compassion, which brings about greater amounts of oxytocin into the body to help you feel calmer and more physically balanced.

Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is about helping you be gentle with yourself & coming to a place of love & self-acceptance over judgement and criticism. Here is a list of micro-practices to add to your routine: Just breathe . Exercise . Take a walk . Service . Get out in nature . Eat healthy . Ask yourself throughout the day, “What do I need right now?” . Journal feelings & begin to notice any harmful patterns or things you need to be aware of . Don’t take things too seriously by watching a funny video to help you laugh . Pray or meditate . Practice self-kindness, which helps regulate fear with personal connection . Begin a gratitude practice . Take mental breaks . Create boundaries for yourself . Practice being your own best friend .

Let go of NEGATIVE thinking and self-talk. YOU CHOOSE your thoughts. Choose wisely. It is one of the hardest practices to notice your thinking and self-talk patterns. They are there, so the sooner you begin to watch, listen and learn what triggers what or how you really talk to yourself–the sooner you will be able to understand your thinking patterns. Just watch and learn for awhile. What seems to be constant mantras in your mind? How do you handle stress? What patterns do you see in your language on a daily basis? Begin to observe. IF you find there are some negative traps and patterns going on then you need to find a way to notice them and change the pattern. It is a practice. I have heard a few exercises you can try—I Like the metaphor of looking at your thoughts as a dance with a partner. Your thoughts (dance partner) approaches & you either like what they say or you spin them away for a more positive dance partner. Who do you want to be constantly dancing with? Someone who is negative? Swap your words and phrases for more positive ones.

Another exercise is the ticker tape—its like your thoughts are streaming across a ticker tape board (think stock market, long-running line of words, names, numbers–google if you need a visual) of your ongoing thoughts. What are you saying to yourself? What are the constant themes? Are they positive or negative? If you need to, write them down so you can truly see what you are saying to yourself. If you are seeing a lot of negative self-talk then you need to practice replacing your negative conversations with positive phrases, words, convos.

Another exercise or more of a metaphor is the story, Which dog do you feed. It is a good visual.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

 He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” [taken from urban balance.com)

Positive self-talk is a practice. You need to be aware of your thoughts and then begin. Remember and always ask yourself, “Would I say or desire to say this to a good friend?” and then keep in mind that you should be your greatest friend in life. Speak to yourself with kindness and love.

Let go of the PERFECTION and allow learning through mistakes. Learn to be kind to yourself no matter the outcome. My daughter has always been one to expect her best and has always been a student of highest standards (to a fault). We have had to work with her on letting go of having to have 100% and that her best is enough.

Do NOT COMPARE. The saying compare and despair is a real thing. There is a real trick to not getting caught in the social media traps of comparing your life to others. It is easier said than done. Tip: Try a social media detox

Remember and reflect on your WINS. Look back at your past achievements, successes, compliments, wins and remember the challenges and how you overcame them. Everything that causes you to grow begins as a challenge. Remember how far you have come and where you have been able to grow to be your best. Tip: my daughter started a compliment and accomplishments journal to write down and remember nice things that were said to her, good things she did for others, etc.

Believe in your WORTH. Always remember that your worth is NOT dependent on the house you have, the job you get, the clothes you wear, the money you have in the bank, the…YOUR WORTH is always within you. YOU are worth more than any success you believe will bring happiness. Your happiness is within you already. The outer STUFF is not going to fulfill you. YOU are enough and the belief in that knowing is going to fill your life with the happiness you desire.

Beautiful Kate, Always remember to be gentle with yourself, find and practice kindness with yourself and begin to know and believe that you are enough. You are more than enough! You are exquisitely created to live a life that reflects beauty, love, light and peace. You are meant to remember your deep, beloved worth and the gorgeous gem that you are. You are meant to shine brilliantly in all you do. You are a treasure. Always do those things that will help you remember your worth.

Love you xoxo