“Nothing shapes our journey through life so much as the questions we ask.”
Greg Levoy
I LOVE that…IMPORTANT QUEST[IONS]—Deep diving and finding those internal coordinates of your inner compass that hold and offer your distinct directions, personal directives, paths to living, etc…it is a guiding system that will lead you to your greatest work. The grandest quest of your life….the QUESTIONS that lead you to…Finding out WHO you are, WHERE you are going, WHAT you want… for your one, beautiful life.
I am a lover of unique words…questions…and a deeper depth of personal knowledge and understanding of oneself.
We are always journeying to find our best selves, a higher version, a more evolved, wiser, well-adjusted version, right??
I figured this would be a good place to start…a bunch of questions to help you see some things clearly for yourself.
Take what you like…run with the wild ones that excite and light you up. It is your life!! enJOY the journey.
According to Gemini:
It’s fascinating to consider the questions that truly drive a meaningful life. While the “right” questions can vary from person to person, here are five that often resonate deeply:
“Who am I?”
This goes beyond surface-level identities like profession or relationships. It delves into your core values, beliefs, and what truly makes you unique.
“What do I truly want?”
This encourages you to look past societal expectations and external pressures to identify your authentic desires and aspirations.
“What is my purpose?”
This isn’t necessarily about finding one grand, overarching purpose, but rather understanding what gives your life meaning and how you can contribute to the world.
“How can I live a life of integrity?”
This question focuses on aligning your actions with your values and living in a way that feels authentic and true to yourself.
“How can I cultivate meaningful relationships?”
Humans are social creatures. Meaningful connections are vital to a happy life. This question encourages you to consider how you can nurture and strengthen your relationships with others.
According to PsychologyToday article
Part 1. Your Essentials: Who Are You Today?
This is a chance to get reacquainted with the real you. It’s a reality check to remind you who you are at your core. Answering them should be a breeze, but note any areas that give you pause.
1. List 5 adjectives or traits that describe you.*
2. List 5 roles that you fulfill.
3. List 5 of your skills and abilities.
4. List 5 of your possessions that provide insight into who you are as a person.
5. List 5 life experiences that have helped define who you are.*
6. List 5 attributes that your closest friends and family would say describe you.
Part 2. Your Authenticity: What Do You Know About Yourself For Sure?
It’s one thing to know some facts about yourself; it’s another to feel confident and certain about those characteristics. Let’s look at how predictable and stable your sense of self is.
7. When you think about who you are, what aspects of your personality are most clear to you?*
8. In what ways does the “you” that you present to the world match who you really are?*
9. Think of three examples of when you stayed true to yourself despite societal or peer pressure. How can you continue to do this?
10. What are three of your most important personal values, and how can standing by these beliefs benefit you in the future?
11. What aspects of your personality stay the same regardless of the situation?
12. Look at the “your essentials” lists that you’ve created for questions 1 to 6 in Part I. Do any of these traits conflict with who you think you are? If they do, how can you be more consistent?
Part 3. Your Self-Esteem: How Well Do You Know What You Stand For?
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s easy to focus on what’s wrong and forget everything that’s right.
13. What are your three best qualities?
14. If you compare yourself to others you know, what are you especially good at?
15. In what ways is your life better than the lives of other people you know?*
16. List three things about yourself that make you proud.*
17. Describe three of your greatest accomplishments in life. What’s your next big goal?
18. What things do you struggle with? Do you know anyone else who shares these struggles?
Part 4. Remembering the Way You Were
Time to get reacquainted with yourself and remember who you used to be before life got in the way. There’s a lot of good that you may have left behind.
19. List three things you enjoy but don’t get much opportunity to do. What steps can you take to do these things more often?*
20. What parts of who you are as a person have fallen by the wayside? What can you do to help bring them back?*
21. In what ways have you put others’ needs ahead of your own? How can you restore the balance and start focusing on your own needs more?
22. How can you make time in your schedule this weekend for at least one hobby you haven’t had time for recently?
23. Think back to the type of person you wanted to be when you graduated from high school. What positive attributes did you have that you don’t think you have now? How can you rediscover these today?
24. Spend an afternoon looking through photo albums and reading old journals. In what ways could you benefit from becoming reacquainted with the person you were in the past?
Part 5. Your Work Life: How Can You Get the Most Out of Your Job?
We spend a lot of our waking adult life at work. Like it or not, that can shape who we are. But we don’t have to accept that passively. Instead, we can take control by seeing work as an opportunity to improve ourselves.
25. In what ways does your job help you improve as a person? How can you ensure that this will continue in the future?*
26. What types of new and interesting things do you learn at your job? How have these experiences benefited you?*
27. What new responsibilities that you’ve taken on at work do you enjoy? In what ways have these made you more effective at your job?
28. How could you make the mundane and boring part of your work more interesting and fun?
29. In the past five years, what new skills have you acquired at work? How have these been beneficial?
30. Looking ahead to the next five years, what additional areas of expertise can you develop?
Part 6. Your Future: How Can You Become an Improved Version of You
Time to step out of your comfort zone. Push yourself. Try new things, and discover new facets of who you are. Who do you want to become?
31. What are three new and interesting activities you could try? Which of them could you start next week?
32. What are three topics you would like to learn about? Create an action plan for deepening your understanding of at least one.
33. Challenge yourself to improve in three ways this month. What steps can you take toward accomplishing each?
34. Which three places would you like to visit in the future? What could you learn from visiting each place?
35. In what ways have you improved as a person over the past five years? How has this helped shape who you are today?*
36. Think about ways in which you could grow as a person over the next five years. How will this help you reach your full potential?*
Working through these questions will provide you with the opportunity to gain greater insights into yourself and enhance your self-knowledge. That’s important because being more clear about the self is linked to greater life satisfaction, happiness, better mood, and lower stress. As Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
Hope you can find some time to do the work for YOU.
I LOVE this Serendipity movie line…Greeks didn’t write obits when someone died. They asked one question—Did they live with Passion?
My daughter is on her first world adventure across the continent & I can honestly say that she is doing her best to live with Passion. She hiked to a waterfall, had a kava ceremony, ate pineapple and watermelon from a local market, visited a Hindu temple, yelled ‘Bula’ to children in the villages she passed through out of her taxi window, took a shower in an outdoor, stone alcove, walked the beach & found her first puffy sand dollars along the shore. It was a day to remember!! She then woke up & the first picture she sent me was her with a headlamp, “heading out in the dark before sunrise to find treasures!!”
What is passion to you? What gets you out of bed? My daughter’s friend stayed in bed and missed the beautiful sunrise…missed opportunity! What gets you up and lights you up?
The definition of Passion: strong and barely controllable emotion
This is an incredible word to describe my daughter—she has this on varying levels of emotion 😉 She had her boyfriend on the phone as she found her first Fijian ‘puffy sand dollar’ and he just laughed listening and watching her on FaceTime get soo excited and barely able to control her enthusiasm and strong emotion. She gets lit up and excited about so many things. That is a great trait to have.
Passion is energy. Feel the power from focusing on what excites you. -Oprah
This goes along with the whole ‘what lights you up’ thought process. Follow those things that stir your soul, that add a little zest to your life, things that make you feel energized, get’s you up and excited to follow the energy that is a strong guiding force.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, compassion, some humor, and some style. -Maya Angelou
I had a friend give me a sign that has this quote on it. I love the whole idea of not merely surviving, but thriving…living…doing… with PASSION! I don’t profess to have any style—I am my own style. I wear black, usually patterned, slimming yoga pants and a black tank. I wear fit flop sandals and usually a hat of some kind with sunglasses. I own who I am in that!! I don’t have to think, I just do ME. But, I try to live with the compassion and humor part as well. Seeking it all with thriving on my mind. How can we thrive? Chasing the PASSION. It ignites and fuels…it creates barely controllable emotion. smile. smile. That is exciting!!
Think of a time that you got soo excited about something…anything…what was it?
Passion is your joy, it is the essence of who you are. You have to unwrap it and find it. — Jackie St. Onge
The essence or the nature of who you are is found in the passion and joy of your authentic self. You have to look at it like a gift you were born with, but the only way to open it, is by trying on those things in life that bring you joy…passion…that excite or ignite you. Then, the gift will be revealed. You have to shake it, listen, tumble, turn it, be still with it and allow the gift to slowly be opened in due time. SURPRISE!! Life may guide you to the very things you need to become your best version. That is where the passion lies…within… hidden in the essence of YOU.
“Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things.” — Denis Diderot
Its like a soulful alignment, a good vibe, an energy that seems to be able to take you to a whole other level of ideas, creativity, a higher awareness of what can be. That is power. That is passion.
“Develop a passion for learning.” — Anthony J. D’Angelo
This is a WIN for me. I have a need and desire to input information. I feel like I have been creating, collecting, reading, learning, doing…a definite passion for learning. There is so much out there to see, hear, read, write, create, inspire, educate, elevate, etc. It is a non-stop wishing well of good things. Learning opens doors to new ideas, it ignites a fire that conspires to be started, it challenges our brains on different levels, It is the beginning of most creations. It is the spark that runs wild with passion. Learning takes you to places and shows you new possibilities or ways of thinking or imagining.
How to find and chase YOUR PASSION : Think about activities or interests that get you EXCITED. What do you enJOY doing? Think about your STRENGTHS. Look at subjects or things you love to share or teach to other people. When you are in conversations—what topics do you like to share or talk about? On the flip side—look at things, topics that seem to drain or suck your energy.
Needless to say there are soo many things out in this beautiful world to be excited, intrigued, curious…about, that it makes you spin sometimes. At least for me. I can have multiple ideas, things to write about, places I want to see and explore…the list goes on. I mean, ‘Who knew there was such a thing as a “colorist”—a person who is great with colors and can be an expert on creating the right feeling for a house with specific colors. Who knew!?! There are people passionate about soft corals, making dog biscuits, hiking waterfalls, quilting for a cause, doing yoga with goats, thrifting for treasures, stargazers & just regular things like gardening or sports…the list is endless. There are experts out there with such passion for soo many things. It is amazing!! So, have fun chasing what gets YOU excited and lights you up! LIFE IS THE PASSIONATE ADVENTURE!
Here are some ways to help…
CREATE: I say…create. In creation you find that special something that seems to whisper inspiration and fill you with focus, energy, direction, excitement…you just go…you flow. You create with passion. It is part of your true nature. Take some personal time each day, week, once a month (up to you on your time schedule) to create—whether you take a creative class, pull out creative journal prompts, write daily writing pages, take photos daily, build a sand castle with your kids, build a shed or a sauna…the list is endless of the creative possibilities—the point is to just create! Take the time to allow those deeper internal guidance systems to engage and lead you to the creative pursuits that stir passion.
ON YOUR MIND: You are excited or passionate about something when it is continually on your mind. Notice if there are specific ideas that keep popping up in your mind. Maybe there is a business that you are curious about. Maybe you keep finding yourself humming a certain melody that is a song idea trying to come through to you…There are so many ideas, creative longings, nudges from random places (think books you are drawn to, videos that pull on your imagination and call you to create, etc) Notice different things that play on your mind.
FIND YOUR FLOW: It is easy to find a rhythm or flow in doing something you are passionate about. Time seems to go by quickly and there is an ease. You have this natural energy and synergy that seems to ignite your thoughts & you feel as if you could keep going and going without a care of time. When you fall into the flow of passion…creativity is even easier. It is remarkable.
WILLING & WANTING TO LEARN MORE: When you are interested in something and want to learn more–there is a reason. You are drawn to a subject, style, hobby, interest…when you are first curious to know something, you become almost obsessed on some level to find out more. You want to get your answers, to learn what makes something so interesting…to practice, to try, to find out the beginning, to become more knowledgable. Think about it. When something peeks your interest…you want to jump in, swim a little deeper, see what’s under the surface and find out more. That is the natural path to finding one’s interests and passions.
BOTTOM LINE–YOU DO KNOW: In reality, YOU DO KNOW what you are drawn to & what possibilities COULD light you up. There may be a tiny grey area of complete knowing until you TRY it on for experience, but if someone asked you…could you be interested in working with doctors to find a cure for something…could you enjoy washing elephants at a sanctuary in Thailand…could you get excited about knitting hats for the homeless…could you see yourself writing a book…could you possibly enjoy detailing cars…could you see yourself flying an airplane…could you get excited to teach and train therapy animals…the list goes on. There are limitless opportunities to try things to see if they get you excited or push your passion buttons. BUT, you have to ask the questions, try them on and see what is a good fit for who you are and the kind of energy and passion that is created.
EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN: How do you REALLY know what you like, are interested in, get excited about…can be passionate about…IF you don’t get out of your comfort zone, try various activities, see and feel those things that create a spark and fire within. You need to explore the opportunities beyond. Its like a trip—you can stay in the safe harbor of the known or you can get out and feel the wind, dive under water, look at the stars from a new perspective, eat something you have never seen before, touch, feel…go beyond to find the real shiny stuff that might excite you that you never noticed or experienced. Get out and TRY things, explore, and find those unknown places within.
Great stories of people who followed their passion: A few stories of people you may have no idea about, their passions and where it took them.
From Inc online : https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/here-s-how-to-turn-your-passion-into-a-fortune.html. My personal favorites from the article…Jim Koch: A Harvard Business School graduate and consultant with Boston Consulting Company, Koch took the Austrian beer recipe that had been in his family for generations and used it to launch Samuel Adams (Boston Beer Company). With Budweiser, Coors, and Miller now owned by foreign companies, Boston Beer Company is now the largest American brewery.
Yvon Chouinard: An avid climber, Chouinard bought a second-hand forge and began to make his own equipment. Ultimately he founded Patagonia, a manufacturer of high-end outdoor clothing that did $600 million in sales in 2013. [There is also a great documentary about Yvon’s partner Doug & Kris Tompkins who did North Face–who have literally saved so much of the natural landscape of Patagonia–great watch https://youtu.be/yJL-OAPBDa8?si=emTsKGSueTTUl-nD] Talk about Passion & Purpose. Wow
Wendy Kopp: Kopp turned her senior thesis at Princeton University into Teach for America, a $229-million-a-year nonprofit organization that places graduates from some of America’s top colleges and universities as teachers in challenged public schools.
Kevin Plank: A football player at the University of Maryland, Plank designed shirts that could wick away sweat, and convinced his former teammates who went on to play professionally to try his product and share it with their teammates. The company that resulted, Under Armour, had $2.3 billion in revenue in 2013.
Wow! I just got slapped in the face with an article that screamed at me about my recent conversations with my beloved daughter. We have had soo many conversations that end up going so south because she gets irritated with me, doesn’t want to talk about certain topics, flat out tells me to shut up or stop!…it goes on. It has been so hard and with that, an emotional roller coaster.
The article Women who haven’t grown up emotionally usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it) -geediting.com on google listed these 8 behaviors that were pretty telling with what behaviors my daughter has been sharing—1. Overly Reactive. 2. Difficulty in accepting responsibility. 3. Avoiding difficult conversations. 4. Dependence on external validation. 5. Struggle with empathy. 6. Difficulty in setting boundaries. 7. Impulsive decision making. 8. Perfectionism
Wow. This was VERY eye opening for me. I have this BEAUTIFUL, college-age daughter that leads, guides, works a great job, has soo many great skills, gifts and talents, but I believe her emotional resilience is in need of a some growth before it takes a further toll on her health. I worry for her and her emotional wellness and well-being.
My key takeaways from the article: (my summaries mixed)
—Practice mindfulness to help pause, reflect, and respond rather than react. [SEE practices below]
—Take responsibility
—Tackle discomfort head on is how we grow and get better. Embrace the tricky or uncomfortable conversations will help all of your relationships become stronger.
—Don’t let the craving for external validation rule you. Your feeling good should not hinge on the thoughts or opinions of others.This is another place where mindfulness can help switch from seeking approval on the outside to finding it within. YOUR worth is up to YOU. [ideas below]
—Practice empathy to create deeper connections.
—Honor your own needs and necessities by having your own personal boundaries.
—Perfectionism often stems from fear of rejection or judgment. Its a defense mechanism that can hinder personal growth. Strive for progress not perfection. [See tips on doing this below]
MY ADDITIONAL RESEARCH:
My additional research into this topic to help anyone out there in need of some emotional growth—be gentle. Begin. Here are some additional directions to help…
Emotional maturity means having the self-control to manage your emotions and work to understand them. -betterup
“It is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond.” -EDITH EGER
HOW TO IMPROVE EMOTIONAL MATURITY
Develop a GROWTH MINDSET: Focus on continuous self-improvement and growth rather than nitpicking failures and shortcomings.
Set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: A great sign of standing up for yourself
UNDERSTAND YOUR EMOTIONS: When you understand what makes you angry, sad, or excited, you can use that to your advantage instead of retaliating at the first hint of negativity. Ask yourself what makes you mad or uncomfortable and why.
OWN your mistakes: own up and take responsibility for mistakes or errors–dont blame. Next time you make a mistake, apologize for your error without making excuses for yourself. View each mistake as a learning opportunity to expand your skills and learn more about yourself.
Find a ROLE MODEL: Watch as they handle challenging situations and how they respect their emotions. It could give you insight into better habits to form and inspire you to keep working to develop your maturity.
now that you understand what emotional maturity means, you can learn to stop bottling up your feelings and fearing vulnerability. Emotional maturity helps you communicate better with others, have healthier relation. -Betterup article
Mindfulness is about observing how you’re feeling in the moment without judging yourself. -childmind
Identifying the PATTERN is AWARENESS; CHOOSING no to repeat the cycle is GROWTH. -Billy Chapata
HEALTHY HABITS & SELF-CARE can help.
MINDFULNESS tips and suggestions: Go on a walking meditation, begin a gratitude journal, practice mindful eating, do a body scan before bed, listen to a guided meditation, do a loving-kindness meditation, set daily intentions for yourself, get out in nature, identify feelings,
Exercises From Self.com
3 minute Breathing Space Here’s how to practice the “three-minute breathing space” technique, as described by Dr. Vieten:
Set a timer for three minutes.
Sit in a comfortable position if you can (though standing works too), ideally in a relatively calm environment (the bathroom counts), and close your eyes if you want. Notice what’s happening in your mind and body right now. Are you worrying about a problem or mistake? Do you feel warm or cold? Is there a distracting sound in your environment? Simply notice whatever you’re experiencing at the moment.
Bring your full attention to your breath, focusing on the sensation of the air flowing in and out of your body.
Expand your zone of awareness further out from your breathing so that it includes your whole body. You might notice your posture, your facial expression, or areas of muscle tension. Again, simply pay attention to whatever’s going on with your body.
Four-seven-eight mindful breathing The four-seven-eight mindfulness technique is a type of deep breathing exercise. It’s particularly handy for anxiety, as feeling anxious can deregulate our breathing patterns, says Dr. Urgola.8 “This technique can also be helpful if you’re having trouble sleeping,” she adds, since stress can prevent you from nodding off. To practice four-seven-eight mindfulness breathing:
Close your eyes if it feels comfortable. If not, gaze softly gaze at a spot in your environment.
Inhale for a count of four.
Hold for a count of seven.
Exhale for a count of eight.
Make sure you’re breathing deeply, from the pit of your belly (compared to shallow breathing from your chest) so your lungs fill up fully.
Stay with this pattern as best you can.
End the exercise whenever you feel ready to stop.
People watching exercise You can turn your commute or leisurely walk into a mini mindfulness session by noticing strangers around you. When you notice people, it creates an opportunity to detach from your own mental chatter, allowing you to practice awareness without actually meditating.
Take a moment to notice the people around you.
As you observe them, try not to form judgments or stories about them. If your mind starts to judge or assume, try to let those thoughts go and bring your focus back to a neutral awareness.
If you feel comfortable, you can also try engaging one or more strangers. Maybe say hello, make eye contact, or offer a smile.
If not, that’s fine too. Simply observe whoever is currently around you.
Mindful Eating habits: Mindful eating involves paying closer attention to your food and how it makes you feel. In addition to helping you learn to distinguish between physical and emotional hunger, it may also help reduce disordered eating behaviors and support weight loss. Mindful eating is about using mindfulness to reach a state of full attention to your experiences, cravings, and physical cues when eating.
Fundamentally, mindful eating involves:
eating slowly and without distraction
listening to physical hunger cues and eating only until you’re full
distinguishing between true hunger and non-hunger triggers for eating
engaging your senses by noticing colors, smells, sounds, textures, and flavors
learning to cope with guilt and anxiety about food
EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATIONS: Emotions can hit quickly. Become aware of what you are feeling. Name your feelings. [sadness, anger, resentment,—negatives may be hiding underlying fears. Be gentle with yourself and find self-compassion within your emotional reactions. It is okay to not feel okay. Just helping identify what you are feeling is key to understand what emotions and where they are coming from.
7 strategies that can help to manage emotions in a healthy and helpful way. [from better up.com]
—Identify triggers: You shouldn’t try to avoid negative emotions — or be afraid of them. But you also don’t have to keep putting yourself in a situation that brings on unpleasant emotions. Start to look for patterns or factors that are present when you start to feel strong emotions. This requires some curiosity and honesty. Did something make you feel small? Strong emotions often spring up out of our deep-seated insecurities, especially the ones we hide. What is happening around you and what past experiences does it bring up for you?
–Tune into physical symptoms Pay attention to how you are feeling, including whether you are feeling hungry or tired. These factors can exacerbate your emotions and cause you to interpret your emotions more strongly. If you can address the underlying issue (e.g. hunger, exhaustion), you can change your emotional response.
—Consider the story you are telling yourself
—Engage in positive self-talk: When our emotions feel overwhelming, our self-talk can become negative: “I messed up again” or “everyone else is so awful.” If you treat yourself with empathy, you can replace some of this negative talk with positive comments. Try encouraging yourself by saying “I always try so hard” or “People are doing the best they can.” This shift can help mitigate the emotions we’re feeling. You can still be frustrated with a situation that isn’t working but no longer have to assign blame or generalize it beyond the situation.
—Make a choice about how to respond: In most situations, we have a choice about how to respond. If you tend to respond to feelings of anger by lashing out at people, you likely notice the negative impact it is having on your relationships. You might also notice that it doesn’t feel good. Or, it feels good at the moment, but the consequences are painful.
Next time you feel anger or fear, recognize that you get to choose how you want to respond. That recognition is powerful. Rather than lashing out, can you try a different response? Is it possible for you to tell someone that you’re feeling angry rather than speaking harshly to them? Get curious about what will happen if you switch up your responses. How did you feel? How did the other person respond?
–Look for positive emotions: Human beings naturally attribute more weight to negative emotions than positive ones. This is known as negativity bias. Negative emotions, like disgust, anger, and sadness tend to carry a lot of weight. Positive feelings, like contentment, interest, and gratitude are quieter. Making a habit of noticing these positive experiences can boost resilience and well-being.
IT IS OKAY TO NOT FEEL OKAY.
PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION. A few exercises to help with perfectionism: Become aware of your thoughts…journal your thoughts to be able to see and identify what is triggering and creating the behavior. Once you identify, then you can begin to change. Look at your thoughts and question the evidence of if the thoughts are real or have any validity. Let go and allow for mistakes, mis-steps, and help your brain understand that everything will be okay & that it is an opportunity for greater growth mindsets. Help yourself with better self-talk. No one can do it for you, but you. Alter and improve the daily talk that you live with. Your self-talk effects your self-esteem and will lead to a healthier relationship with yourself, others and your overall wellness in life. Become aware and be gentle with your perfectionistic tendencies. When you can acknowledge that you have these deep seeded feelings within & can become aware that this is a deeper problem, you can begin to take action to help yourself. Begin to be gentlein your attitude and actions with what you create, how you work, share ideas, set goals…with an attitude of “this is good enough” and does not have to be perfect. Let go of impossible goals & set reasonable ones for yourself.
Becoming aware of patterns & create a knowing that progress is fluid and ever-changing . Be flexible with yourself and your directions . Begin to LET GO of the pressure and the fear that creates the false need of striving for perfection .
HELPING GET OVER THE NEED FOR EXTERNAL VALIDATION: mindfulness meditation [see above] . Affirmations or personal mantras [also helps reduce negative self-talk] . Surround yourself with people who lift and support rather than deplete you emotionally . Take the time to slow down and give yourself the validation you are seeking . Create YOUR own support system…how
A few ideas from Tiny Buddha suggests: making a special “YOU” section in your daily gratitude journal. Write down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be. When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.
Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”Oftentimes, when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.
If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced? You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself. This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.
HAVE A TOOL KIT OF GOOD THINGS TO GO TO WHEN OVERWHELM OR EMOTIONS HIT: have a certain number of songs in a ‘stress less’ or ‘calm’ playlist, go for a walk to get out in nature, practice using your senses to calm (To Touch: silly putty, stuffed animal, stress ball, smooth stone, See: coloring book, Happy photos of friends or family or inspiring happy places, Smell: Scented candle, favorite lip gloss or perfume, Hear: Guided meditation, short podcast, favorite song playlist Taste: favorite snack, something sweet and salty, mints or gum, favorite drink) Do certain activities to ground you. Write a loving note to yourself or put in a compliment journal of nice things people have said to you, so when you are feeling down or anxious—you have some kind words to lift you.
Another idea that I shared with my daughter—I gave her a picture of her when she was six years old. I told her to look at the little girl & I asked her, “Would you tell that sweet, beautiful girl all the horrible things you tell yourself? You wouldn’t tell her that ‘she is going nowhere,’ ‘ that she is not happy,’ ‘that she is not where she needs to be in life and should be doing better.'” It was heartbreaking to hear my daughter talk so critiquely of herself. I told her to take the picture of her as a young girl and when she starts to say mean thing to herself or listening to the harsh critic in her head..to look at that picture and tell her, “everything is going to be alright. I love you.”
“When we’re anxious, we get into the cycle of repeating the same thoughts, the same behaviors, over and over again,” says Jennifer Teplin, LCSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Manhattan Wellness in New York City. “Distraction is grounding and can break us out of those repetitive thoughts.”
Having stuff you can smell, taste, see, touch, or hear is more likely to calm you down and help you focus your thoughts on something tangible at the same time. -jedfoundation.org
I hope these ideas help you or someone you love reach a little higher, be a bit gentler and find the deeper love that we all seek in one way or another. We are all just trying to do our best. We all have different journeys, experiences, struggles…it will get better. Just keep LOVE in your heart.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
Give yourself the LOVE and GENTLE CARE YOU NEED. xoxox. -H
My sweet, 15-year-old daughter just left for her FIRST home-away camp where she will not be able to talk to her parents, use a phone & will be sleeping away for five days. She left with butterflies in her tummy, anxiety, fear, overwhelm, but knew deep down this was going to be a very good, positive growth opportunity for herself.
She arrived at the drop-off location and noticed a big group of other kids waiting with duffles, sleeping bags, pillow, etc. Her immediate reaction was then, “My duffle is too big!” Her personal overwhelm then turned into ‘my stuff is going to draw too much attention!’
Isn’t life funny like that. We are first perceived by ‘our stuff’ and then as we get beyond the exterior ‘stuff’ and go deeper, we are able to find our place, our desires, our quests, to connect on deeper levels with others, to learn what is truly important, to see what defines, to then have a clearer picture of who we are–on the inside. Sometimes it takes a personal quest, an act or instance of seeking or pursuing something; a search.
Why do we send our kids to camp? to open a door for themselves to seek something within, to pursue learning things about themselves, to give them an opportunity to be alone with who they truly are and find a clarity that will help guide their life.
Life is a big, giant quest for answers, guidance, depth, challenge, change, growth, and as we seek after various things we learn…TRULY learn what is important and what we value from within.
I believe everyone becomes stagnate until they begin to notice where there life may need some injections of purpose, play, adventure….personal quests!!
Let’s take a few lessons from my daughter’s experience & see how they can help us with our own life quests.
DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES MAKE US GROW:
I had to remind my daughter that through challenges we grow. The flower does not fully bloom until it has broken through the tough soil to feel the warmth of the sun. We often have to go through hard things to find a place that can challenge us on another level.
Every experience truly does have a gift if we can look for it. Whether it brings us pain or discomfort, the gifts will be found after we make it through the tough packaging.
Even knowing my daughter will not be able to see or talk to us for five days (which has never happened in her entire 15 years of life), I know the separation will be so sweet when we see her again. She/we will have gained an even deeper appreciation for our relationship.
There are gifts in every life experience.
BE A CONSTANT SEEKER OF LEARNING:
If we are constantly striving to learn, growth in a variety of ways will follow. Think about it–if you are always reading, you are improving your writing skills, comprehension, spelling, imagination, reducing stress, expanding your vocabulary, etc. If you are constantly seeking to take a class (online or in person) you will gain confidence and education. When you are trying to expand your mind through growth in any area of your life—it is a quest to become better than you were. We should always be striving to become better than we were yesterday.
BE FLEXIBLE:
Dr. Wayne Dyer use to talk about striving to be flexible like a palm tree because they can bend in a storm and not break. If we can look at a situation and try to find a better way, to be flexible in the moment, the journey will be a little easier.
Today my daughter left the car, met a couple of girls & instantly joked, “Hi, I am Kate, the girl with the big bag!” I laughed out loud thinking about the perspective she took. How she just went with the situation and was flexible enough to make it a funny moment.
FACE THE FEAR & DO IT ANYWAY:
I think we are often put in circumstances where we are afraid of the outcome–whether it is a work meeting that could turn confrontational, going to a class with people you have never met, trying a new sport & not wanting to look foolish…
When we face a fear there is no question we walk away a little taller. Think about a situation where you were afraid to go, afraid of an outcome, but you pushed yourself to go through with it. Did you walk away feeling stronger and more confident? absolutely.
My daughter was terrified to go to camp & a couple of months ago when I brought up the topic of going, she was digging in her heels and determined not to go. I know that even at this moment, she may still feel some fear, but she is feeling more confident in knowing where she was & where she is today.
FIND JOY:
When we are able to find things that bring us JOY, life becomes the purest version of what we need internally. The quest for Joy is an illusive one, until you take the time to find those things that light you up. When something lights you up, you are on your way. When we find and do things that light us up, it naturally lights up others around us. We find an internal spark that ignites ideas, creativity, energy, pursuits of variety…it brings us to places that sing and ignite individual purpose. We truly come alive!
This is one of my daughter’s favorite quotes of all time. She believes this with her whole heart. She has this spirit that wants to change the world & I know as she strengthens her courage muscles, faces fears, is challenged and finds growth, she will continually find her way & make the difference she desires. I see her light up after volunteering at our local aquarium and teaching kids about marine life. I see her light up when she speaks in front of groups. I see her light up learning new things. I see her light up when she has to face a challenge & knows it will be good for her.
Life should be full of things that help us pursue personal quests all of our life!! When we are learning, growing, being challenged to change—we will then be led to things that light us up & we will continually find higher parts of ourselves.
When we are striving to become better each day…each day truly will be better.
Life is a sincere pursuit of things that will stay with us always. Look for the gifts in all you do. Make it a personal quest to find them. They are there to be unwrapped and enJOYed.
My sweet, 15-year-old daughter just left for her FIRST home-away camp where she will not be able to talk to her parents, use a phone & will be sleeping away for five days. She left with butterflies in her tummy, anxiety, fear, overwhelm, but knew deep down this was going to be a very good, positive growth opportunity for herself.
I think we are often put in circumstances where we are afraid of the outcome–whether it is a work meeting that could turn confrontational, going to a class with people you have never met, trying a new sport & not wanting to look foolish…
yourhappyplaceblog 