LOVE should be for every season and every reason in what we say and do. Right?
At least that is something to strive for on a more regular basis.
So….I cannot emphasize this enough. I just started doing conversations and love letters to myself after hearing Tim Ferris and Elizabeth Gilbert talking about her morning ritual.
Take some time and simply write a love letter to yourself. In reality, you are starting a conversation with God…the Universe…the source of all things…whatever makes your heart sing. You are trying to understand and see what would be said to YOU. This has been a truly inspiring exercise for me and I would highly suggest it. Take the time, begin the practice. It doesn’t have to be every day. I usually write when I FEEL like I am in a better head space to listen and tune in.
I begin the love letter to myself with various things…Oh darling, My love, Love, Beautiful…[this in and of itself is interesting to see what you hear and feel on even a basic level…what do you hear yourself being called?] Then, I just sit with myself for a few minutes and type any thoughts that come to me…questions, advice, conversation…anything. I often feel like its a two-sided conversation and so I type out both sides. It is humbling and interesting to hear words come up that I never use or ideas and thoughts that don’t seem like me. It definitely helps me connect even deeper. I close my eyes, listen and type whatever comes up.
It has been a beautiful gift to myself. It makes me feel even more deeply connected to the greater life we all live. There is such a vast beyond, a timeless space that awaits a conversation with us. Don’t miss it. Don’t take it for granted or question every little thing to look beyond the possibilities of such treasured conversations and love. We all need it. WE NEED AND CRAVE THE GREATER LOVE.
So, with the holiday season upon us, I would gift you this…give this beautiful gift to YOURSELF. Gift it to your families, friends and loved ones. Open the door of deeper conversations and love to those YOU LOVE.
We ALL NEED MORE LOVE.
Simply try it. BUT, I would suggest in all fairness of any process….you TRY it more than one time. You need to allow and believe in something greater than yourself and the greater LOVE you deserve.
It is interesting to have been writing this blog for over ten years…a type of musing, historical and personal narrative of stories woven into my life. The crazy thing…the almost maddening thing is that my posts I get the most traction, the most views, the posts that I hope will make a change in even one life…all leads to “Lessons learned from Movies.” My top ongoing posts are movie lessons. I think it is very interesting, but so is trying to find lessons…any lesson from a movie.
Perfect example. I don’t usually just sit around watching movies, but the other day I was drained and just needed something to entertain my weary brain, so I scrolled movies. I came across Chris Evans (think Capt America, Knives Out…) and his directorial debut movie, “Before we go”. It looked like a slow, easy watch with possible interesting characters. I hit play.
It was definitely one of those slow moving movies that I thought, “Will there honestly be ANYTHING to learn from this movie?” But despite little content, I was able to find a few nuggets and ideas to play with and work off of. So, here we go. I think, with some very creative ingenuity you MIGHT be able to find at least SOMETHING from a movie that could be construed as a life lesson held within the corners of the movie magic. Movies are stories and we humans LOVE storytelling. We love to see characters evolve, struggle, fall in love, fight, come out stronger and live better. It is magic. It is hope. It is emotion. Movies do have a magic that I hope we will always seek SOMETHING to walk away with that may guide us to a little better part of ourselves…and ultimately to a better life or at the very least a lesson learned.
The story premise: Two strangers stuck in Manhattan for the night grow into each other’s most trusted confidants when an evening of unexpected adventure forces them to confront their fears and take control of their lives. -taken from imdb
[Now, if you are planning on watching this movie—there MAY be a few movie lines, topics, images or possible spoilers fyi]
The Pay Phone turned time machine: There were a couple points in this movie where the characters talk about turning back time, what they would do differently, what different questions they would ask, what conversations they would have with their past or future self…etc. I thought it was a cute scene with a playful idea for anyone to try.
FUN Exercise: A few options—go find an old landline phone at a thrift store or antique shop OR better yet… take a friend and go find an old payphone and ask yourself some great questions: Have fun with it! Take fun selfies and make it a memorable life exercise. [Pretend you are on a phone call with your younger self] What would you tell your younger self? What advice would you give them? What choices would you change? What friends would you keep or let go of? What did relationships teach you? What is one of your greatest life lessons you have learned so far? What is something you would tell them to do? What is something you would tell them to never change? What could you do today or within the next six months that your future self would be grateful for?
“Sometimes you just have to make the choice and jump.” -Brooke This could be used with so many life occurrences. You jump to fall in love. You take a big leap in changing careers. You have to choose who you want to spend your life with & jump together. You make a choice and jump to change life direction and have a family. Every choice takes a leap of faith of some kind. Whether you leave the comfort of where you grew up, go off to college and make new friends, leave the country for a masters degree, fly to Asia to finalize a deal, change your routine by adding a dog to your life, eating differently because of your personal health risks…the list goes on. There are choices and big jumps you have to make all the time. Choose wisely to live your best life.
“Ive got to be grown up. I need to be okay with not being okay and that sucks.” -Nick I don’t care who you are, EVERYONE feels like this at various points of their life. In reality we all have these younger versions of ourselves within that carries around fears, anxiety, regret, childhood wounds, insecurities…as adults we are told to handle it all! Grow up! Be okay! There are experiences, days, situations that you may fall apart and not be okay or ready to handle. Be gentle with yourself. There is enough out in the world fighting against you—don’t you beat yourself up too. Be kind to that little part of you that is afraid, that doesn’t feel equipped to handle life on occasion, that wants to run and hide, that may be having an off day and needs your love and care. It may be a day that you don’t feel okay and that sucks…and that’s okay. Take the day. Recharge. Regroup and show up better for yourself and those around you. Find that part WITHIN you that will refill your cup of what YOU need. Don’t seek external things to help you feel better. YOU FEEL what you need and do that.
“I heard you play. You loved it.”- Brooke. “I kinda feel like it doesn’t love me back.”[his trumpet playing] -Nick. I think we can all relate to this on some level. We may have things we enjoy doing or creating and may be talented in some areas, but maybe not enough to feel warranted as a professional or able to do it as a profession. Maybe I can just relate because I LOVE creating—children’s books, plays, art, writing, photography, etc. I have tried and tried to get articles published, taken writing classes, talked to professional book agents, sent proposals for photography projects, connected with other play writes about ideas…on and on my list goes and it doesn’t ever seem to go anywhere. One project after another. I get lit up by ideas, projects…but sometimes I definitely don’t feel like it loves me back…because it seems to go nowhere. BUT, I continue on. WHY? Because what is life without our creative dreams? Where is purpose if we don’t seek it and exhaust our efforts in our endeavors. BECAUSE when we finally make it…a sweet gift of determination and action will be beautifully unveiled and presented within the loving patience of an undaunted life. May we hold firmly to that resolve and continue forward in creation and hope.
“The point is..so what. I don’t need to know my future—Im going to live it any way. You have to believe it (a psychic reading) to make an impact.” -Brooke. I have always been intrigued by psychic powers and their gifts and abilities. I am somewhat of a skeptic, but I also believe that there are people who definitely have gifts to share with the world. Why not someone who has very strong, intuitive gifts. It is an interesting idea for sure. It takes me to the movie, “Big Fish” where the main character in the movie had a psychic show him how he dies, so his entire life was lived full out without a worry or care or fear because he knew how he died. He became the very best version of himself because nothing stopped him.
This is an interesting idea—how would you truly live if you had no fear, you knew your future, you had an idea of what would happen in the future, etc. Just this morning I was talking to my husband about our life and where we go from here. Where do we think our daughter will be in six months, what we should plan for in the next year, the possibilities, the options, the outcomes, etc. I literally said, “I wish I had a crystal ball” haha. Would that REALLY make a difference? Does anyone actually know what is going to happen—-no. They are going to live their life any way. You could have a crystal ball or a psychic reading and you may get a glimpse of something…but not everything. You may see yourself happy in a new house in connecticut but a month later you get a health scare. You may be (like my neighbor) who is happy and has three houses but just got the news of breast cancer. Things happen no matter what & you still live it anyway!
This just made me think of another psychic reading situation that my daughter’s old boyfriend had. His family had been in a terrible car accident & he lost his father and sister when he was 3. His mother survived a 10% survival—she was lucky & he was blessed to have her in his life. He told me that his mom believed in readings & had one done on him when he was younger BUT never told him what the reading said. I cannot imagine what that created in his mind. Why wouldn’t she tell him? Was she afraid? Did she know something that he shouldn’t know? We will never know, but I know it could make you question, wonder, worry…BUT, HE still has to continue living. He hasn’t stopped because of the unknown or the tragedy that befell his family.
You think you are trapped but you actually have choices. You are just afraid to look at them. -psychic. How often in life do we create our own stories out of fear and make up some crazy scenario that we are trapped and have no choice in life. Our mind can create and imagine and catastrophize and snowball. Life truly is what we create, choose, and ultimately make. It is what we choose to focus on. We can see the good or bad—it is what you focus on….you will find it. so, doesn’t it seem reasonable that IF you FEEL trapped on any occasion that you would seek to find some way out of any type of trap. Right? You have options. Maybe you are afraid to look or find them.
But what if those things that really matter—those choices aren’t up to me? -Brooke YOU always have a choice. YOU live your life. Even if there are other people involved in your life—YOU ultimately have a choice. That is freewill.
You can’t allow the people you love determine how you love. -psychic guy LOVE is an individual thing. In any relationship—it is two people who come together to create a life and loving relationship together. TWO people coming together. That still holds each individual in the relationship a responsibility to love and be loved. To bring the love you are capable to the relationship. To become better in loving yourself and then another. BUT, YOU cannot allow the people you love and care about to determine or expect you to love a certain way. YOU bring, carry, share, determine, and allow your LOVE to be given freely from YOUR heart. Not someone else’s.
There is no perfect. There will always be struggle. You just have to pick who you want to struggle with. -psychic guy. LOVE THIS!! This is one of the truest statements. No one is perfect. NO relationship is perfect. People struggle period. It is a gift to have someone in your life that you get to lovingly and willingly struggle with. That is a great relationship. One that lasts. When you are able to care for someone enough to sit through the struggle and be there for them no matter what—that’s love.
Is it possible that you could meet someone that’s perfect for you but you are committed to somebody else. -Brooke
If you’re committed to someone you don’t allow yourself to find perfection in someone else. -Nick. I thought this was a beautiful statement in the fact that IF you truly are committed to someone—no one else matters. There will be beautiful people who catch your attention or you may wonder what if’s about this or that of someone, but in the end, your heart knows. Your heart has another level of commitment that doesn’t change, wonder or engage in any other possibility. Your heart holds true for that one person that means so much.
We love who we love. It can suck. -Nick This can and does happen. We fall hard and it falls flat on another. That can suck.
How could a night be the worst and best day of your life. -Brooke That is life! The journey is full of ups and downs, experiences that change us, people we encounter and wonder at length about their stories, people who come into our life with a lesson that changes us, strangers that smile with connection, fears that catch us off guard & seem to slow us down in the chase of life, WE get to have the best and worst days on so many levels….it is a ride. It is a life well lived on any occasion.
I think we both had some things we’d been putting off for way too long. -Nick We all have things that may haunt or hinder our progress. We may procrastinate and put things off. Just be honest with yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. What do YOU need? What do you feel you are putting off? What are you not being honest about? Is there someone in your life you need to let go of? Is there a hard conversation you need to have? Ask yourself some hard questions and begin. Stop putting things off. Life is too short.
God. Why is it that any one decision always seems too small to be the biggest decision of your life.-Nick. Small decisions all add together to make the whole sum of your life. So, it makes sense that every choice, every conversation, every judgement, every line crossed, deed done….creates your life. There are not small decisions. They all have tiny paths that lead to bigger destinations. Choose wisely the seemingly small decisions that will have a bigger impact than you can imagine. Life is in session. Live it. No regrets.
Have you ever had a feeling… and just knowing somewhere in your bones that somebody was going to play a major part in your life? -Brooke. Ask yourself this question. Look at your life and begin to notice the various people who stand out and why. Take some time to genuinely thank them for being such a major part in your life. They are the main characters who support and love you. They make your life what it is. That is worth a sincere moment, letter, card, convo of thanks, right?!
And at the end of the night, you’re gonna want to say some things, but don’t. Don’t ruin it. It’s nothing she doesn’t already know. Just give her a kiss. Wish her good luck. And, uh… thank her. Thank her for showing you that you can love more than one person in this life. -Nick I do believe that people can and do come into your life for a reason—maybe its a story they need to share with you to help you through a turning point in your life, maybe its a text that someone randomly sends that brings you peace for your day, maybe a relationship comes and goes to help you know you are capable of caring for someone…we are all connected and share in emotions, a look, a sincere hug, a needed smile, a word of encouragement, a promise of a better life, an inspiration…we can all love and be there for one another in a time of need. Whatever that looks like.
In finalizing this post—I would definitely say, that even though a movie may not seem to have a whole lot of wisdom from a distance. smile. smile. I FEEL I was able to find some good lessons. There are gifts in everything—if we simply look…we will find the magic.
“I would rather spend one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone.” —J.R.R. Tolkien
I have been all alone from my little tribe and my heart FEELS it. The above line sings deeply to where I am in my current life situation.
“I had something to fight for, and I was fighting for the love of my life. I couldn’t give up or give in—not now. Not after all I’d been through—all we’d been through.” ― Shanora Williams, “100 Proof”
My sweet husband has up and moved to Montana to financially support our family and our hearts have desperately missed one another. It is funny how the heart grows fonder and you wish and you long for the love you miss. He is my best friend and we often find ourselves talking about wishing we were doing this or that together. We don’t have that co-dependent kind of love, we just sincerely enjoy our time and friendship together, so our hearts definitely long to be connected.
“When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, no one can ever tear them apart.”
“Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is very special.”
My daughter fell quickly in love with a French exchange student who invited her to France for four weeks this summer and that is where she is. She has been with him 24/7 and having the time of her life. They seem to be falling in love more and more every day. That says something for my daughter—she usually is tired of anyone after 3-5 days. I genuinely wondered how it would be and if she would be headed home early. This morning she called me in tears, “I just saw his beautiful, new apartment he is going to be living in. It is going to be his new life and I will not be in it. It makes me so sad.” I felt the deep love and connection she was feeling and I broke down in tears too. Love does that. You want those you love to be happy. That is what she followed up her tears with, “I want him to be happy and I am so happy he has a wonderful place to live, its just hard knowing I won’t be here to drop by or live this life with him.” “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” —Robert A. Heinlein
“I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.” —Roy Croft
“A successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, but always with the same person.”
LOVE does that to people—-it connects you so deeply that when your hearts are apart—in some sense they do break. They break open to a different type of love—a love that realizes how deeply you are connected to one another. Its as if you are able to see the current love you have from a new angle and see that it is immeasurable. Love keeps growing and changing and longing to be felt more and more. “My love for you has no depth, its boundaries are ever-expanding.” —Christina White
I am trying to look at this time as a gift for my life, to ensure that I never take the love we have for granted. It has made me step back and notice the complacency we were tripping into on occasion. We took it for granted that we could walk the beach every day together and now its only a week out of the month. It is true—you don’t truly appreciate what you have until its gone. Don’t waste LOVE.
“She knew she loved him when ‘home’ went from being a place to being a person.” —E. Leventhal
I was talking to my brother on the phone and expressing to him how quickly time goes by and how his kids will be grown before he knows it. I shared how you can understand it on an even deeper level by thinking about how many days he sees his kids per week and calculating that until they are on their own. It gives hard numbers that are hard to minimize. My brother then joked, “So you get to see Jonny 12 more times this year.” My heart sank at the thought. It did make me ponder the reality and how sad that truly is. What if I only get to spend lets say 11 days a month for six months–that is only 66 days. That is incredibly sad. We only have this one lifetime together. How do we NEED to spend it!? We NEED to be together! You don’t genuinely appreciate the time you have together until something like having to move to Montana makes you truly ponder. It has made me genuinely see that HE is my home. I think many people just get use to their regular routines and the love falls flat or becomes part of the scenery and is not center stage in their life. It gets lost in the weeds of carpool, work, routine, kids clubs, obligations, etc. Love needs to be noticed, to feel seen and appreciated to continue to grow. It is like anything–it needs to be watered and sprinkled with the necessities and nourishment to thrive….
I just laughed in my head at the thought that just popped in—The funny movie with Kate Hudson in “How to Lose a guy in 10 days” where she gives him a “Love fern.” It is just like that!! It needs to be loved, watered, taken care of, put in some sunlight and talked to with great care. That is how love is. I think we just get by with love and don’t take the necessary steps to help it flourish.
DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE WITH NOT LOVING THE WAY LOVE NEEDS…DEEPLY
“The regret of my life is that I have not said ‘I love you’ often enough.” —Yoko Ono
Remind yourself of the gift love is. Not everyone gets a glimpse or a chance to share in love, so if you are so lucky—take a chance, play full out, fight hard for love and never give up. Keep working at it and give so much that you become exhausted in LOVE. No regrets.
“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” —Bertrand Russell DONT be cautious in LOVE. Time zips by and will leave you standing there wondering where life went and where the beautiful love that your heart longed for exists. Take every risk in love, dance at every occasion, pray to the heavens for doors to open and seize the opportunities before they are stolen from you and you miss it! DONT WASTE LOVE. Your happiness depends on the love you can learn from and the wisdoms that it will freely give your life. It is a precious treasure to not take for granted. Seek to find it and never use caution—only deliberate passion and discovery when it comes to finding LOVE. It may be hiding, but you do all you can to find it.
My very FAVORITE thought on LOVE…When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too. -Paulo Coelho LOVE changes EVERYTHING for the better. BELIEVE that. LIVE that. JUST LOVE.
My husband and I will find a way. Our LOVE is deep but it is still hard to be apart. We have to have the faith that LOVE WILL FIND A WAY and EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT…FOR LOVE. it will. LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING FOR THE BETTER…
But, for all of you who have LOVE lying next to you or can share a kiss anytime or give a simple hug or can go on a walk together today…GO DO IT. DONT WASTE LOVE. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to hug my husband or hold his hand…DONT WASTE the LOVE you have in front of you.
“You can’t just give up on someone because the situation’s not ideal. Great relationships aren’t great because they have no problems. They’re great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work.”
“If you want a relationship that looks and feels like the most amazing thing on earth, you need to treat it like it is the most amazing thing on earth.” -your tango
“A ‘perfect marriage’ is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.”
“True love is rare, and it’s the only thing that gives life real meaning.” —Nicholas Sparks
“True love stories never have endings.” —Richard Bach
So, there you go. DONT WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE ON THE LOVE YOU HAVE. CHERISH IT. DISCOVER IT. NOURISH IT. FIGHT FOR IT. and above all else…JUST LOVE DEEPLY with your WHOLE HEART. You have this ONE LIFETIME. BE WITH THOSE YOU LOVE. CHOOSE LOVE. NO REGRETS.
My younger brother unexpectedly died earlier this year and it was a tremendous shock to my entire family. When I think about him, I have a mix of emotions because so much of his life he felt lost and didn’t feel like he mattered. He often felt like no one would care if he was gone. He attempted suicide multiple times throughout his life and I was there for it all. I was a witness to his life—the pain, the heartache, the hope, the loss, the highs and lows. He was my little brother.
My last couple conversations with him were heartbreaking and we were both in tears talking about how his life did matter and that he would be missed. I felt like I was constantly trying to convince him of his importance and that he did matter.
It is funny how losing someone alters your life. I have had a terrible cold this past week and have found myself watching a home improvement show that has one of the show hosts who looks and has similarities to my brother. It makes me miss him even more. I watch this host and see my brother on certain angles, certain shots of his red beard, far off in the distance. I know it is not my brother but its funny to see someone with similarities and you just want a few minutes more with the one you cared about so deeply.
I LOVE you, Scotty. I miss you. xoxo
I wanted to do this post about the importance of MATTERING. It is a vital need. I think we have generations who are lacking in this necessity and I wanted to write something that may bring about some sort of awareness.
According to an article by the NYTimes, Dr. Flett, now a professor at York University and the author of “The Psychology of Mattering,” is one of the world’s foremost authorities on the subject. He and other experts agree that a sense of mattering is necessary for human flourishing, and while some factors are out of our control, there are steps, both big and small, that everyone can take to enhance it.
According to a Psychology Today article, However, while belonging does give a person a feeling that they are a “qualified member” of a group, it may not have the same positive effect of feeling that they matter to the group to which they belong. “Belonging” doesn’t necessarily mean as much as “mattering” to others (Hallam, 2023).
Think about how we use the word, belonging. My possessions are my belongings, but not all of my possessions matter to me. The scissors belong in the kitchen drawer, and my plates belong in the cabinet. I belong to the team, but do my contributions matter? You belong to your family, but do they show you that your presence matters?
Mattering is the product of two distinct processes at play: feeling valued by others and feeling that you add value to the group (Prilleltensky, 2014).
We feel that we matter when others express appreciation for what we bring and what we do. Belonging may mean that there’s a place for us or that we are “entitled” to a place, but when we matter, it means that others are grateful to have us show up in that place. Belonging is knowing that there is a place at the table for me, but mattering is knowing that the others at the table need me there to feel complete.
Others around you know they matter because of YOU and how you treat them.
I SEE YOU. Help people feel noticed. I think this is a powerful statement when talking about helping someone feel like they matter. I think many people do not feel seen or heard. They are just, almost, existing. Here are a few basics: Smiling is a simple way to help someone—anyone feel noticed. Saying hello and acknowledging another. Giving a warm hug. Give a genuine thank you in all you do [whether it is thanking a waiter for their cheerful attitude or being prompt or positive to thanking someone you see every day with a sincere note, take the time to say thank you]. Actively listen and make time to truly see and acknowledge them. Pay attention. Listen and hear what they are saying (be aware to not be listening & thinking about your own response) Another part of listening is paying attention to what they are saying, so you can recall details about their life, their favorites, their interests, etc. & be able to talk to them about those things at later dates. Put away your phone! Send a text with a kind note just to check on them and connect. Look someone in the eyes when you are in their presence and let them know how glad you are they are there with you. Be fully present.
YOU MATTER. Help others see they are important. How can we help others know they matter? Well, be responsive. Who definitely feels a lack of mattering when you send a text, it says its been read but you get no response, Right? OR, when you are with someone & they get a message from someone else & they have to look at their phone or respond at that same moment. It doesn’t make you feel very important, or that they are being present with you, right? Another thing you can do to show others they matter, be interested in them, genuinely care, and ask questions. My daughter gets so frustrated with the dating game because so many of the guys she talks to or dates are so one sided. They don’t seem to ever ask or be interested in her. They respond with answers about their day, their interests…rarely ask about her. That does not make her feel like she matters to them.
What else can we do to help others know they matter? Keep good eye contact, do personal, interested check-ins on their lives and what is important to them. [ex: my daughter loves to keep people’s bdays in her calendar so she can send a fun shoutout to friends and family on their day. When possible she sends it in a group text so others can chime in with additional messages] Give an authentic compliment. Genuinely listening to someone will really let them know that they matter. When you ask a question, wait for an answer. Give a gift to show someone they matter, whether it is a gift of your time or a small token of your appreciation, like a meal, a drawing or poem you create, a song you share, a memory you make together, etc.
YOU ARE NEEDED. Help others see they are needed. Praise and appreciate others and let them know they are necessary in your life, your community, organization, work, school, etc. People need to hear specific positive strengths, the difference they are making, why they are needed. How to do that? Ask someone their thoughts or opinions on a specific topic or perspective. Share with others what makes them special or needed to you on a personal level. Be specific when sharing your feelings [ie: “I love and appreciate you” vs “I love that you are in my life, you bring such a playful, light-hearted attitude to our relationship.”] When you depend and build trust with someone it tells them they are needed.
MATTERING CREATES PURPOSE. I know when it came to my brother and his mental wellness I always tried to be there to talk him off a ledge or guide him towards getting help for his addictions. I would send him positive books or podcasts to hopefully help him feel better, etc. I felt I had some purpose in helping his life matter. That then also gave me the satisfaction of feeling like I mattered to someone. When my brother died, my mom in tears said, ” he doesn’t need me anymore.” My heart ached for her because she felt like a piece of her purpose was gone. It is like a circle of purpose in meeting one another’s needs in a way. Whether we smile at a stranger, pick up a sea star and send it back into the ocean, volunteer to tutor kids after school, pick up trash at a nearby park, coach little league, or answer calls on a help line, etc. We can find a sense of purpose…a place or action that helps us feel value, which helps us matter overall.
Experiencing mattering also reaffirms that we contribute to others and that we have a purpose. A sense of purpose is associated with increased dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, also known as the “happiness trifecta,” the neurotransmitters that control for mood, movement, and motivation.-zachmercurio.com
DONT FORGET YOU. Incredible YOU! You matter. It is easier sometimes to focus on all the ways we don’t get noticed or appreciated. You may need to really focus and evaluate the real impact you have on the lives around you. You may have to compliment yourself and notice your gifts, talents and strengths. You may have to seek and find the ways you try to utilize your skillset for the greater good. You may have moments where YOU need to remind yourself of why and how you matter. That is okay.
DONT COMPARE and DESPAIR. That is one of the quickest ways to kill your personal story on why you matter. Many people can easily jump on social media and see friends, family, colleagues and quickly feel a lack of connection or value on some level. When you start comparing, it is that much easier to feel inadequate in the areas where you really matter. Your self-esteem gets a check and you can quickly spiral into despair. You cannot compare your value to those around you. You are your own version—you live your own value in all you do.
I hope this article helps you find ways to help those around you FEEL like they matter.
We are all in this together, so be mindful of how you make others feel. Others around you know they matter because of YOU and how you treat them.
“But people are oceans. she shrugged. You cannot know them by their surface.” -Beau Taplin//Surfaces
I think this is an incredible thought to think about and ponder. It genuinely gave me chills because of the truth held within this statement.
I often struggle at the surface conversations that seem to be the norm. Why can’t we truly connect and go deeper with people? Why is it such a struggle to talk, be vulnerable, to seek connection on another level, to learn from someone…
I often talk to my teenage daughter about not being afraid to “go deeper” in conversations with friends or people she meets. She tells me she doesn’t want this guy to assume she is getting too deep because she likes him or something.
Is it out of fear of getting to know someone on a more intimate level & feeling like you owe them something? Or is it a fear of having to go deeper yourself?
I am of the genuine opinion that every person we come in contact with has something we can take or learn from.
I recently watched a tv series that was short-lived, but it had life coaches, young adults with dreams & entrepreneurial spirit, so I was intrigued. At first glance, I thought it would be a shallow show with lots of egos, but as I watched each episode I began to see the people break open, become more vulnerable and begin to learn about themselves & one another. They developed deeper connections on many levels.
Here are some great lessons I took away from the show “Dream Quest”
One of the coaches was describing to one of the adults how “To become soft again”—it made me think of “moldable” to be able to create a better version of oneself. To be flexible and agile enough in a way that you could take things in, learn, create, change, move differently…take things for your life & make it better.
“Boundaries are not limiting, they are liberating.” The coaches were illustrating a point to one of the adults on the show. They were trying to show him how it is easier for people to pull or drag you down than it is for you to lift them up. That is why it is so important to surround yourself with good people. (They did a great visual–they put Tim (big guy on the show) up on a table & told him to pull up Kortney (Lifecoach who is a small woman). Tim could not do it. They talked about how it was easier for Kortney to pull him down than for him to lift her up. It was a great visual.
They talked about a study with school-age kids on a playground & they first had no fence (no boundaries) & they watched & observed them & how they played. Then they put a fence up around the playground & they found the kids played longer, were louder, felt safer & more secure. The boundaries were good.
Accountability—center console in your car metaphor
You clean your center as soon as you need to pick someone up at the airport.
You need people to help you be accountable.
Habit—your habits are either helping or hurting you.
The first part of a habit is the hardest part—
Did you know the Shuttle Uses More fuel in the first 7 seconds of liftoff than it does to orbit the entire earth?
As you get through the hard part & are committed to a good habit then it’s easier to go with the flow.
What discipline am I going to add into my life right now to make it better??
Good Communication is 7%words 35% tone and 58% Body language
Do it afraid!! Face the fear of rejection, what others think, regret, etc & do it anyway. Ask yourself. What if I didn’t try….how would you feel?
Choose COURAGE over FEAR
ITS OKAY TO FAIL, just don’t fail to try!!
Comparison & worrying about others will quickly handicap your dream
Take it one step at a time focusing on yourself & where you are going.
Switching your attitude will change everything in an instant. Nothing can be based on circumstances—it’s your attitude about it.
Never give up!
Emotional intelligence & dealing with people
Sympathy—I feel sorry for them…
Empathy—I understand how they are feeling
Empathy is one of the most important traits a good leader can have.
Kylie Jeans words of affirmations with her parents growing up: I like myself. I have a great destiny and people listen to me because I have valuable & important things to say.
Learn from anyone & everyone you can.
I believe you can learn SOMETHING from everyone you connect with. It is up to you whether you take it deeper and have it become more of a meaningful outcome for your own life. Lessons are everywhere—stories people tell us, feelings we get from someone, words of affirmation, life lessons shared via email or social media, a smile from a stranger, a compliment from someone you work with, a sincere thank you….there are so many ways to connect & when these interactions go deeper, they mean more.
Stretch. Learn. Grow. Don’t be afraid to invest in others by connecting on a deeper level. You both will benefit.
I LOVE YOU MORE is a big phrase in our house, so seeing that February is THIS week, I thought I would post some ideas on ways to LOVE a little more in your life. Whether it is your spouse or kids, here are some great ideas. Enjoy!!
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER:
I was recently reading an Oprah post and I loved this visual–“Drop your story about who your partner is and see him/her with a “fresh-start mind.” Decide that today you are going to learn three new things about them, or you’re going to really listen when you have dinner together. As Someone once told me, if you’re dancing with someone and aren’t paying close attention to the way they are moving, you step all over each other. And then you don’t want to dance anymore.”
I LOVE that visual of dancing, being present, moving in the moment, together. Can you see it? Can you visualize dancing and not being present—stepping all wrong, getting frustrated, not enjoying the dance. Who enjoys getting stepped on, both emotionally and physically–no one!! So, work on the dance within your relationship. Begin to get present, truly listen, find things you both enjoy together, hold each other and begin again.
MORE TIPS:
Here are a number of tips, I will probably do another post on this same topic because there is a lot to cover about Sharing the Love. Look for my additional LOVE posts.
According to PsychologyToday you should have a ‘pet name’ for each other because calling your partner by an affectionate name brings a positive response.
Share the housework is another thing they suggest, because it makes you feel like you are working together & that not one person carries the brunt of the work. My husband has always been a great example of this. He is always working so hard and then is always looking for opportunities to help where he can. Amazing!!
Play, get out and do things together that are new. I can definitely say that getting out and trying new things together helps you feel alive, it makes you look around and enjoy where you are—together. It is a fun way to connect.
Share a Surprise: Everyone loves a good surprise, so throughout this month do fun little things that will surprise the ones you love. My Dad gives my mom a ‘Love Mantel’ where each day he puts something new on the mantel each morning. He puts cheesy plush animals that move, giant love cards, poems he writes, etc. It has been a fun tradition that my Mom looks forward to. You could also plan a special date that is full of surprise locations, a special dinner, a walk on the beach, a fun activity, a stroll through a museum, a night under the stars, etc. You create it and Surprise!! A great gift for everyone.
Personalize something: A great gift is something from the heart, so pull out your guitar and write a song, make a delicious dinner, write a note that shares your feelings, plan a trip somewhere they have always wanted to go or is a favorite destination, send their favorite flowers, change their phone background to a picture of the two of you, Copy and paste the lyrics from one of their favorite songs with a sweet note, get a card deck & write things you love about each other on each card & then share them with each other
Pray together (as a family/as a couple): This is one thing that brings you together, solidifies, helps you listen to matters of the heart—what you are all grateful for, the highlights from the day, things to think about, matters to ponder. It brings everyone to a place of quiet listening.
Share something positive: Send a sweet text, share a quote you come across, a fun pic from the weekend, something that will inspire. Just send!! Just be careful who you send it to. smile. I know this sounds funny, but my husband was up in our kitchen working and I wanted to send him some love. I typed up a little note and texted it to him. I smiled as I heard the ding, only 20 feet away. I listened to him type up something & then I smiled again as I heard the jet plane noise go off. I waited for my text from him. He was waiting for my response. After a few minutes, he finally said, didn’t you get my text? Puzzled, I replied, No! He instantly looked at his computer and started to laugh out loud, with a little bit of shear panic. He realized he had sent the note to our brother-in-law. Luckily, it was just a sweet note full of…You truly mean the world to me and I would walk to the ends of the earth for you. I would swim the deepest ocean for you & I would climb the tallest mountain for just one kiss. Our brother-in-law responded….That was perfect!! You are pretty okay too! It was very funny. Lesson learned—be careful who you send stuff to. smile. smile.
Say something positive:Researchers have found that happy couples have a ratio of five positive comments to each negative comment (urtango). This only makes sense, relationships have a better foundation when the people involved are building!! Build a positive foundation with good things…compliments, things you enjoy about each other, things you admire in one another. Build! Build! Build! Don’t tear each other down, don’t tear down the beautiful things you have built together.
Do something small: Write a little note & stick it on the car dash before work. I like this one, use a toothpick to write “I Love You” on the outside of an unpeeled banana (I am going to try this right now!)–urtango. Write a note and leave it on the bathroom mirror, grab their robe when they get out of the shower, put their favorite treat with a note on the car seat, record a memo message on their phone, write a love note on their calendar, get them a new audiobook to listen to on their way to work, get their favorite bath gel & leave it in the shower with a little note, buy a magazine subscription they like…
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILDREN
Share the Love:By saying I Love You, Giving hugs (at least 15 a day), Sharing highlights from the day with each other, Wrapping up in a big blanket and sharing a good movie or reading a chapter in a book together, Having special back scratches or ways you paint their face with your fingers, Having a special song you put them to bed by, A special story book you read out of, By letting them help cook something in the kitchen & then licking the spoon, By walking home from school together, By having Mommy Missy or Mommy son dates that are one-on-ones especially for them, Sharing a sweet smile, Lovingly hold their hands when you walk together, Sharing your time and being present.
Share Stories: Share with them memories of their childhood, the day they were born, the way their name came about, stories about your childhood, things about you, share your likes, your dislikes, share stories that connect you.
Write a letter: I write a special letter to my daughter every six months. I write about what she is like, what she is doing in school, her friendships, her likes and dislikes, funny moments, her favorite things, and then I am collecting them to give to her when she is 18. I occasionally read bits and pieces of them with her to make her smile. It’s a great tradition.
Ask Questions: Ask your child what they are thinking about, What they wonder about, What is magical to them, What they love about their life, What they love about you as their parent, What was their favorite part of the day, What they wish for, What they want to be when they grow up, What it means to be a good friend, What they like you to do as their parent, What they struggle with, What they enjoy about the different holidays throughout the year, What they love about the seasons…
Give special gifts: Find something special, that is especially made for your child. Put some thought into it & create a memory when giving gifts. Write a note that accompanies the gift. i.e.: my daughter loves Orangutans & wants to be a zoologist one day. She also dances, so when I found a small orangutan doll, dressed in a tutu, I knew I had to have it. My daughter fell in love with it–the message with the doll…be You, Shine, Be an original. It was perfect. When you take the time and put thought into gift giving=great memories and gifts that will be cherished.
Give them a gift of a memory with you: Teach your child something special—teach them to make homemade pumpkin cookies, how to peel potatoes, how to fold laundry, how to shuffle cards, how to play HORSE or Around the World, how to play ping pong or mini golf, how to knit, how to take a photo, how to write a thank you card, how to draw or doodle, how to set a table properly…
Hope these ideas get you thinking about ways to share the love a little more. Enjoy the month of LOVE!!
Last night I went to see the wild ride of the movie “Now You See Me”–to me it was a great visual of entertainment, always wondering what was going to happen next, enjoying the magical illusions, never being able to guess the next move, wondering how each character fit. I truly enjoyed it. At the end of the movie there is a scene on a bridge & the bridge was covered in padlocks. To me it was a visual wonder & i wanted to know more, so I googled and found “Love padlocks”–people place padlocks in certain places to symbolize their love they want to hold onto–called Love padlocks.
All over the world there are specific locations, some the beginning of the padlocks is a mystery, other stories are of lovers lost, hope of lovers returning, wishes of romance, etc. It is a beautiful symbol of a cherished, heartfelt gesture.
Love is funny like that. So much of our life is seeking and finding someone to share your life with, the days, the moments, the laughter, the hurt, the pain…if you were able to meet someone & literally padlock their love, would it truly be a good idea? Would you miss the challenges that turn into making up? Would you miss the moments where you grow together? Would you begin to take your love for granted? Would you try as hard to hold on to the special feelings you have for one another? Would the affection be as passionate if you knew it could not be taken away? Would you miss the moments of insecurity that bring you back to finding a place of gratitude in your heart for one another? Would you cherish your time together?
The padlocks did remind me of a time where my husband and I were going through a hard spot emotionally and I was feeling very vulnerable to situations that could possibly ruin our relationship. I remember giving him a set of three keys and explaining they were a visual of the keys he holds to the heart of our family. One key was to symbolize each one of us in our little family & every time he looked at the keys he was to realize the importance of what he held within—our hearts.
Relationships are like that, you are given opportunities to learn from another, to invest in their life story, to see glimpses of who they really are, to be trusted with emotional keys, so remember in any relationship you are in, hold a knowing that you are unlocking a piece of someone’s padlocked heart where they hold hurts, sensitivity, hopes, dreams, and they are inviting you in to experience a part of it. Be gentle, be wise, be loving, be kind.
“Let me find the key to your heart so I can unlock your secret chambers of love; when I do find that key, I will lock myself in your heart forever.” -unknown
Now, I love the symbolic idea of these beautiful padlock places, so here are some ideas to
SPREAD THE LOVE: I think the idea of LOVE PADLOCKS is a heartfelt, loving gesture. I LOVE it!! I think it is another fun way to spread some love. So, here are a few ideas…there are world locations, so I am going to leave you with this link of some of the prime Love Lock locations http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_locations_with_love_padlocks
Find a location, list those you love & make a loving wish that they will fill your life with continued LOVE.
You could also do a fun family lock where everyone lists their names & makes a wish. You could hang it somewhere special in your home, yard, car mirror or find a special location that is special to your family.
In the spirit of LOVE week I want to offer you some additional ideas on making this week of love special. If you missed my other ideas check back in the archive on creating a couples bucket list, putting a little love in all you do (little ideas to share love & some great connection questions for all the people you love), Valentine ideas for those you love and so much more…I have tried to fill the last couple weeks with lots of LOVE.
Here are some ideas to make tomorrow night memorable…
How to create your own couples retreat
“To LOVE is to place our happiness in the happiness of another.” -Gottfried Von Leibnitz
To retreat is to step away from the daily noise, to relax into another element of who you are, to look at your life with a new perspective, and to see your world through different lenses. You may approach a retreat with resistence for the time it takes, the questions, the necessary relaxation, but shift your thoughts to wonderment and necessity.
These retreat ideas are meant to bring you together as a couple, to help you reach beyond the daily and replenish your soul. It is time to be quiet, time to think, to communicate, to nurture one another.
Plan your night to include quiet time, a relaxing/fun activity, some yummy food and time for reflection.
Here are some activity ideas:
Create vision boards together (directions for this are in my archive) or write down a fun couples bucket list of activities to try together in the upcoming year.
You could have a night of Q & A to learn more about one another.
You could create a PLAY retreat, where you plan activities that would have you playing from morning to night.
You could create an evening of nothing but relaxation by giving one another a gentle massage or lying together in quiet meditation.
You could create an evening of romance
The activities are endless, but here are some ideas to help you plan a great activity…go on a walk together, practice mindful eating as you enjoy a delicious dinner you create together, write down ten things you appreciate in one another and then go out to dinner and share them over your favorite dessert, have a romantic movie night, take a moment and sway to the music, go to a flea market or thrift store and give each other $5 to buy the best present for the other, go to a wishing well and make wishes for your future together, plan to watch the sunrise/sunset, create a dessert night and make all your favorites, visit a museum or gallery and learn something new, have an evening of milk and cookies by candlelight, have breakfast in bed (morning or night), take the evening and reminisce about special moments like your first kiss, first date, when you met, etc. Take the evening and lay beneath the stars, Say I love you in a foreign language, go golfing with a fun lunch planned on the 9th hole, go to a amusement park and ride the ferris wheel, learn a new game together, cuddle…the ideas are limitless. You just need to plan it together, so both of you have an enjoyable time.
The food: After you plan a fun activity make sure you plan something yummy to eat. Food is a must in any type of retreat, it soothes the soul, it helps you to slow down and savor the moment. You could get take out for two, head to your favorite restaurant, create something from scratch or take a trip together to the store to find the right ingredients of a quiet meal at home. You decide. Are you in the mood for fondu, a picnic in the park, an outdoor bistro or a steak dinner by candlelight. It is your evening together, so take the time to plan something special.
Don’t forget the music. Your retreat should be a time of togetherness, so make sure your music selections (whether your driving in the car or lying by a fire) are in harmony with everyone. Music can break or make the special moments together. Music has a beautiful calming quality, so play it softly and definitely take a moment to pause in each others arms and sway to the quiet melody.
Time for reflection: No matter what you do together take some time at the end of the evening to reflect on the day, the moments that connected you, the close feelings you shared. Express your love to one another and be grateful for the relationship you have. Talk about what you are grateful for and share the things you appreciate most about your life together.
“Love really is the answer. We’re here only to teach love. When we’re doing that, our souls are singing and dancing.” -Gerald Jampolsky, MD
Best wishes for a beautiful Valentines day. Enjoy those you love. -Heather
“But people are oceans. she shrugged. You cannot know them by their surface.” -Beau Taplin//Surfaces
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