The What IF’s?

It has almost been a month since I found a lump in my breast and I have seen the other side of….what if’s…What if I die? What if this is it. What if this is one of the last sunrises. What if this is the beginning of unbearable pain. What if this is closer to the end of my beautiful life. What if I am taken away from my daughter, an only child, her best friend, her foundation, her comfort. What if I won’t be there for my husband to lift him when he needs me. What if I have poison running through my body. What if. What if. What if. It seems to never ends when you find something in your life that shakes you to your core.
You definitely see another side of yourself and you wonder how you became this small, scared version of something ugly, something you never knew could be there.
I feel like I rolled up in a ball for about a week, but knew I had to keep a strong face for my daughter. I did not want her to worry or wonder or think about the ‘what it’s.’
I knew I had to begin to look at the what if’s from a different place, a more powerful place. What if it is the ‘C’ word…What would I do? How could I take that on? Would I go traditional medicine? Would I talk to a lot of people? How could I handle this to my best ability? How can I empower myself.
Now, you must know one thing about me—I HATE hospitals, doctors, needles and I avoid them at all costs. In fact, I had not had any blood work done since my ONE and only daughter was born (15 years ago) & that experience ended poorly when the nurse yelled at me & told me I was making her nervous. NEEDLES. NEVER!
Well, when something shakes you to your core & your mind races with the ‘what ifs’ those needles don’t seem like the biggest problem in the room, so I took it with grace and dignity and powered through. I left the lab, looked at my husband and said, “One hurdle down! One more big one to go…the mammo.”
It is tomorrow and my fears begin to bubble to the surface and I have to find a place that helps me feel safe. I have found music, nature, warm showers, visualizing healing images and little things make me feel better.
ring-magical-vintage-mood-ring-1LITTLE THINGS: I bought myself a “mood ring” because when I was a kid I thought they were so magical. At this point I knew I could look down and see a variety of colors that would make me feel a little better. It works!! I look down at my finger and see bright purples, blues, greens and I know that deep down I am feeling CALM, HAPPY, RELAXED and it makes everything a little better.
Big hugs. You can never get enough of those little joys. Life is short & we MUST stock up!! smile.
Music-heals-the-heartMUSIC: There has been a song that seems to resonate with me at this juncture. The words seem to resonate. It is a song by Rachel Platten called Grace. Here are some of the lyrics that resonate:
I used to wear love like an army
I used to know nothing could harm me
Now fear got up all in my head
I’m all in my head, and I made a mess
I confess, I’m ashamed
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Release the better version of me
‘Cause right now, what I wanna do is scream it
I need grace ’cause I’m running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace, grace, grace
I feel like I’m a ghost
I forgot the most important thing I know
That there’s nobody else I have to be
There’s no one else I need to please
I have the answers that I need
I used to wear love like an army
I used to know nothing could harm me
Now fear got up all in my head
I’m all in my head, and I made a mess
I confess, I’m ashamed
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Release the better version of me
‘Cause right now, what I wanna do is scream it
I need grace ’cause I’m running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace watching over my mistakes
Yeah, I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace
 
The other song is RISE UP by Andra Day. That just makes you feel stronger.
a5ae7f8e8f57683986848258cb7c59bf--white-butterfly-butterfly-wingsVISUALIZE: I also believe in visualizing & when it comes to trying to heal something I see white butterflies. I envision the ball inside like a cocoon that is radiating light, waiting to be free from fear, illness, and there are hundreds of butterflies inside that break free and flutter throughout my body spreading light.
I also see the ball as a spinning bright light that explodes sending thousands of tiny stars spinning throughout my body.
It is hard to not know what is happening and having no control. I am trying to have faith that I will be stronger after this experience. I will RISE UP and be filled with GRACE.
What else can you do?
forest-trees-happyWALK: No matter what you have going on in your life, your body, your mind…a walk is an instant remedy and seems to help worry, stress, what if’s melt away and take you to a place of calm. You just see beauty, details, colors, nature soothes the soul. ALWAYS.
prayerPRAYER: NO matter what you believe, have a religion, struggle…I believe prayer is a very powerful tool and is not bound by any belief system. Prayer is the purest form of communicating fear, need, faith, humility, thanks. It is a gift that we can say simple words and bless anyone in need. That is a beautiful gift. I invite prayers from anyone and simply say thank you.
1199_800_HandHeartBackground-1024x683
I am still in the unknown, but I am trying to surround myself with hope, faith, prayers, lots of walks, warm showers and little things that make me happy. What else can you do. Life gives us struggles, but we learn through them and hopefully come out stronger. We can only HOPE to find the strength we need within and are able to RISE UP.
SAY a PRAYER. SEND SOME LOVE. TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM. HUG. SEND LOVE NOTES. GO ON A WALK. TRY SOMETHING NEW. EAT SOMETHING YOU LOVE. LISTEN TO MUSIC YOU ENJOY. Do things that make your heart sing…because we can!!
Peace and LOVE to you today. xoxo  -H
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s