The What IF’s?

It has almost been a month since I found a lump in my breast and I have seen the other side of….what if’s…What if I die? What if this is it. What if this is one of the last sunrises. What if this is the beginning of unbearable pain. What if this is closer to the end of my beautiful life. What if I am taken away from my daughter, an only child, her best friend, her foundation, her comfort. What if I won’t be there for my husband to lift him when he needs me. What if I have poison running through my body. What if. What if. What if. It seems to never ends when you find something in your life that shakes you to your core.
You definitely see another side of yourself and you wonder how you became this small, scared version of something ugly, something you never knew could be there.
I feel like I rolled up in a ball for about a week, but knew I had to keep a strong face for my daughter. I did not want her to worry or wonder or think about the ‘what it’s.’
I knew I had to begin to look at the what if’s from a different place, a more powerful place. What if it is the ‘C’ word…What would I do? How could I take that on? Would I go traditional medicine? Would I talk to a lot of people? How could I handle this to my best ability? How can I empower myself.
Now, you must know one thing about me—I HATE hospitals, doctors, needles and I avoid them at all costs. In fact, I had not had any blood work done since my ONE and only daughter was born (15 years ago) & that experience ended poorly when the nurse yelled at me & told me I was making her nervous. NEEDLES. NEVER!
Well, when something shakes you to your core & your mind races with the ‘what ifs’ those needles don’t seem like the biggest problem in the room, so I took it with grace and dignity and powered through. I left the lab, looked at my husband and said, “One hurdle down! One more big one to go…the mammo.”
It is tomorrow and my fears begin to bubble to the surface and I have to find a place that helps me feel safe. I have found music, nature, warm showers, visualizing healing images and little things make me feel better.
ring-magical-vintage-mood-ring-1LITTLE THINGS: I bought myself a “mood ring” because when I was a kid I thought they were so magical. At this point I knew I could look down and see a variety of colors that would make me feel a little better. It works!! I look down at my finger and see bright purples, blues, greens and I know that deep down I am feeling CALM, HAPPY, RELAXED and it makes everything a little better.
Big hugs. You can never get enough of those little joys. Life is short & we MUST stock up!! smile.
Music-heals-the-heartMUSIC: There has been a song that seems to resonate with me at this juncture. The words seem to resonate. It is a song by Rachel Platten called Grace. Here are some of the lyrics that resonate:
I used to wear love like an army
I used to know nothing could harm me
Now fear got up all in my head
I’m all in my head, and I made a mess
I confess, I’m ashamed
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Release the better version of me
‘Cause right now, what I wanna do is scream it
I need grace ’cause I’m running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace, grace, grace
I feel like I’m a ghost
I forgot the most important thing I know
That there’s nobody else I have to be
There’s no one else I need to please
I have the answers that I need
I used to wear love like an army
I used to know nothing could harm me
Now fear got up all in my head
I’m all in my head, and I made a mess
I confess, I’m ashamed
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Release the better version of me
‘Cause right now, what I wanna do is scream it
I need grace ’cause I’m running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace watching over my mistakes
Yeah, I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace
The other song is RISE UP by Andra Day. That just makes you feel stronger.
a5ae7f8e8f57683986848258cb7c59bf--white-butterfly-butterfly-wingsVISUALIZE: I also believe in visualizing & when it comes to trying to heal something I see white butterflies. I envision the ball inside like a cocoon that is radiating light, waiting to be free from fear, illness, and there are hundreds of butterflies inside that break free and flutter throughout my body spreading light.
I also see the ball as a spinning bright light that explodes sending thousands of tiny stars spinning throughout my body.
It is hard to not know what is happening and having no control. I am trying to have faith that I will be stronger after this experience. I will RISE UP and be filled with GRACE.
What else can you do?
forest-trees-happyWALK: No matter what you have going on in your life, your body, your mind…a walk is an instant remedy and seems to help worry, stress, what if’s melt away and take you to a place of calm. You just see beauty, details, colors, nature soothes the soul. ALWAYS.
prayerPRAYER: NO matter what you believe, have a religion, struggle…I believe prayer is a very powerful tool and is not bound by any belief system. Prayer is the purest form of communicating fear, need, faith, humility, thanks. It is a gift that we can say simple words and bless anyone in need. That is a beautiful gift. I invite prayers from anyone and simply say thank you.
I am still in the unknown, but I am trying to surround myself with hope, faith, prayers, lots of walks, warm showers and little things that make me happy. What else can you do. Life gives us struggles, but we learn through them and hopefully come out stronger. We can only HOPE to find the strength we need within and are able to RISE UP.
Peace and LOVE to you today. xoxo  -H


D428_19_015_0004_600This morning I had a bit of a sad and scary situation happen.

As I was driving to the store I noticed a very young boy (maybe 2-3 years old) running down the street through the intersection in front of my daughter and I. We watched him as we turned the corner & noticed a man jogging quickly behind him about 30 feet away.

I instantly pulled over to get closer to the young child and jumped out of the car. I yelled to the man & asked him if the little boy was his child. Confused, we both looked at each other, “No. I don’t know who he is. I just began to follow him after I noticed there was no adult with him,” he explained.

I walked over to the little boy & he turned away from me, screaming and crying, and began to run back toward the intersection. My daughter jumped out of the car and began to run after him. We both followed him into the street, trying to help cars move away and around him while we tried to coax him out of the busy intersection. He did not want to listen or follow anyone.

By this time, another car had pulled over & a few people were calling 911 while we all tried to coral this youngster out of the road and into safety. He just kept his whining.

After we got him out of the street, I began to ask him questions to maybe change his pattern, “How old are you, Buddy?” “Do you know your colors?” “What color is the sky?” and on and on with no distraction or reaction. Just quiet whining. We could not get anything out of him & as we tried to hold his hand, he pulled away.

We tried and tried to get this little child to calm down, to not be afraid and actually trust us a little. We got nothing.

Then, the police officer pulled up and approached us. He asked the little boy a couple of questions, and still nothing but endless tears. The officer reached out his hand and the little boy took it in his. The little boy then crawled into the officer’s arms and they began to walk down the sidewalk in the direction the little boy had come from.


runThis made me think about life & the tough situations that may come up. What makes a bad situation worse?? We run! We don’t face our fears. We get scared. We run! What makes us run? Anger, negative emotions, situations that we don’t like, shame, worry… FEAR based feelings.  Life can be like that sometimes. We may not want to deal with a situation and the easy way out would be to run to avoid the pain.

The little boy ran away from a situation, but then was left to his fears. Things got scary. He didn’t feel safe, so he just kept running… into the street, away from people who were trying to help, further from a safe place…

As adults, we can get into similar situations of fear and would rather run than face the shame, the people who want to help us, getting the help we need, etc.

Ask yourself—wouldn’t it be easier to just STOP!!

Stop running. Stop living in actions that are fear based (addiction, depression, avoidance, duality, negativity, anger, etc.).

The little boy would not say a word. He just cried and wouldn’t be calm. He resisted. He kept running, and he pushed away.

A few lessons from this:

-NO one can control anyone but themselves.

-No one can truly help unless someone wants and is willing to accept the help.

-If YOU are in personal trouble, want to avoid life, are living in fear, are acting on addictions to hide from emotions, STOP. Take a breath.

-Only YOU can find the place within that will lead you to feel safe and secure. No one can do it for you.

STOP!! Think about it.

-Only YOU can change where you are headed.

Just like the little boy–he ran and ran–into every street, every direction, away from help, and did not calm down until HE stopped and truly wanted help for himself. None of us could do anything until he was ready to take the officer’s hand and go in a different direction than where he was headed.

That is life. No one can do it for you. There are people who can try to help, but YOU have to make the choices, the directions, the steps that will take you to a better, safer place.


-PEACE, hope and LOVE to everyone who needs a hand to hold.  It is tough to see anyone struggle.

Have a beautiful day.  -H

What is the point to suffering?

Suffering. What is it & why is it essential to our growth?? I just read a great metaphor that goes along with this idea…“Accepting suffering seems to go against our instincts, even if we vaguely understand that acceptance is the currency that will procure our freedom.  An ocean of ignorance, misunderstanding, and fear lies between our rejection of suffering and our acceptance of it. Crossing that ocean is the spiritual journey. It leads us from the shore of bewilderment to the shore of understanding, from fear to freedom.” -Elizabeth Lesser, The Seeker’s Guide

boat-on-oceanIsn’t that a beautiful image. To me it is like being caught in a thunderstorm upon the sea. Everywhere you look things are not clear, there is haze, there is pain, fear, there is misunderstanding. But all you can do is strive to go forward, to get through the storm. You go forward, through the suffering, through any struggle to see clearly what lies beyond. You finally make it out of the suffering and find a place of calm. I truly believe you must have a balance of suffering to instill an opening of growth.

Look at your own life—when you have suffered, what has been the outcome?? Did you feel you came out of the situation wiser? Did you follow your heart through the pain & in the end seemed to feel lighter? Did you find yourself in a moment of growth or reflection? I know for me personally, when the hardest days have hit, I was blessed to walk through it & feel stronger, to learn from the struggles & seek a higher direction. I look back and see how the suffering and struggles changed me & the lessons I learned along the way.

doodle-deepest-pain-654x846“Suffering occurs when your ideas about how things ought to be don’t match how they really are.” -Brad Warner

We go through life and have many moments and situations where we think things, ideas or people should match how we think things should be. When we place our own judgements, our own misconceptions, our own expectations upon things outside of ourselves, we are bound for suffering. ‘BOUND for SUFFERING’ this just hit me! When we expect things outside ourselves to be a certain way, we are almost setting ourselves up, we are tying & binding our heart to suffering.   This is a very personal hard lesson for me. I get stuck expecting people to do certain things, to treat me a certain way, to respect and understand me, but this is a pathway to my own suffering. I can’t expect anything of anyone, but myself.  This is an ongoing lesson for my life & I strive to grow in finding patience with this need. I have to be gentle and understand I am human!

28551-divine-love-is-for-everyone-it-is-not-selective-it-is-alwaysThe Buddha said, “The root of suffering is attachment.” 

I think we as humans are experts at the relationships of attachment. I think most of us grow up and become attached to expectations, the future, our jobs, our status, our title, where & what we need to be doing, what others think, what ‘happiness’ or ‘success’ equals….there are so many directions and attachments that can and will lead to suffering. I think when we are able to let go of the [FEAR] of material attachments, to external obligations, and take the time to connect with our real, deep-rooted roots[DIVINE LOVE]…then suffering will be nothing but the lessons we learn and the roads we have walked beyond.

chemin-du-coeur_ChooseLoveOverFearpain-and-suffering-have-come-into-your-life-but-remember-pain-sorrow-suffering-are-but-the-kiss-of-quote-1Suffering-is-optional-Counselling-Tasmania-Deborah-Hill-Spiritual-growth-Spirit-Mind-Body-Holistic-Counsellor-Coachtumblr_ngsfwk6SSx1sz8z7wo1_400b54bc6f71643e4e36d0768373fe84b98CharactercannotbedevelopedineaseandquietOnlythroughexperienceoftrialandsufferingcanthesoulbestrengthenedambitioninspiredands_zpse49bbf1820130522-181431Have a beautiful day. Peace to you. -H

Ideas to Nourish your SOUL


“It takes a fearless soul to live in the mystery.”  -Elizabeth Lesser

To me this says—you have to FEAR LESS to truly believe in the faith of something greater…bigger…the whole of all that is. The awareness that you are Divinely connected to a God that wants what is best for you. From that Divine connection comes a guidance, a belief, a faith that all that is mysterious, unanswered, feared can be hushed with a whisper from the guidance you hold within.

To be able to fear less we must be patient and have a simple understanding of who we are seeking to become. We are little children in spirit, we seek to be better, but our smallness leads us to believe that our greatness is hiding. While we play this game of hide and seek, we must daily seek to understand our deepest needs.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”  -Rainer Maria Rilke

Seek to do things that will bring you closer to what your soul needs, to the higher aspiration of yourself. When we begin to  strive to “LIVE EVERYTHING” the things that help us grow, the moments that challenge us, to have patience with the questions that are unanswered, to jump, to sing, to love, to live…we will begin to be who we are meant to be. Like a child, we begin to shine.

Here are a few ideas to help you on a quest to nourish your soul:

Listen to your feelings: I cannot say this enough. You have inner tuition and guidance that is a gift given to you, but if you do not listen, it is of no use to you. Begin to feel and notice things that are given to you as a direction. Ex: If you are drawn to a book to read–buy it, read it. If you feel you are meant to call someone, do it. We often receive a little nudge to do something, but how often do we do it.  I have a great story that goes along with this. Last week my husband was going on a little day trip & I had this feeling to suggest the audio book, The Traveler’s Gift. He came home in ah of what he had listened to & began to explain the parallels of our life and the character in the book—guy who just lost his job, is married to a brunette, they have one daughter, the main character gets to a point where he tried to take his life…& then the story begins to help him with different life lessons from men throughout history. My husband loves it!! He is listening to the rest of it this week. No question—it was inspired for this time in our life. Listen to the needs within. Allow yourself to be guided & you will begin to see the gifts these directions hold.

Self-worth: Do you have limiting beliefs about yourself that is holding you back. Not loving yourself is a tough place to do soul work. I know I do have limiting self believes and I know it is a process of working through insecurities to get you to a higher place. We often see and focus on our personal inadequacies. Dove did a great campaign that illustrates how we personally see ourselves in a more negative light than most people around us. Here is a link to the “You are more beautiful than you think” Real Beauty Sketches…   It is very powerful, so take a look. We need to begin to focus and appreciate our personal strengths and the beauty we truly hold within.

Do things that light you up—things you love: Fill your day with as many possible moments of something you enjoy doing. Whether you love reading to your kids, being with your family, riding a bike, listening to beautiful music, talking with good friends, eating good food, being creative, going on a walk, do something that sings to your soul. Your soul needs nourishment and pleasure, so if you just fill your day with stress and worry, what does your soul have to feel good about.

Get quiet: Turn off the television. Take a break from the world. Take a nap, meditate, yoga, breathe. Quieting your world does wonders for everyone. I have been chopping television out of my daughters routine. Yesterday, I sat with her quietly and told her she could draw, color, listen to calming music and have some quiet time. She sat there with me for a few minutes and then said, “This is stupid. I hate this.”  I calmly shared with her the options again and we decided to snuggle up together and fall asleep. It was nice to see her rest. Her little body goes and goes, so the sleep was just what she needed–she awoke refreshed and relaxed.

Plant something: Everyone has there “something” that nourishes the soul. The other day I was having a conversation with my mom and she was quite emotional. She has been living in my home for nearly two years, after someone swindled my parents out of their retirement. She was having a moment, missing her home, wishing she had more money…I looked at her and whispered, “what do you really need?”  She began to cry even more, “Peace.” She then began to talk about how she missed her yard, how she missed planting flowers, tilling, watering and how it was so nourishing to her soul. I smiled, “we have a whole yard you can plant flowers or we can get you a big pot to container garden.”  She smiled.      Everyone has that little something that helps to nourish within. Seek to find those moments and do little things that will bring you hope, that will make you laugh, that will hold you close to the divinity within you.

Most of all…LOVE. Love reminds us of all things. It heals, it helps, it circles, it connects, it remembers where we truly came from.

Peace to you. Have a beautiful day.  -Heather

Let go of the FEAR


Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow.                                  -Phillip Gulley

My little girl woke up in the middle of the night frustrated, tired and immobile in her determination to not listen to any type of reason, to understand her feelings, or to talk about what was truly going on in her young mind. She has always been a wild thing, free in her choices, stubborn in her will and determined in all that she is. I wouldn’t change her because there is so much I admire–I love her spark, her sass, her leader mentality, but there are times when you hit it square on and you are the opposing side and you find yourself unable to talk her off a high point. That is where you find yourself dealing with fears and worry head on! I desperately try to put myself in her shoes to try and understand what she is thinking, why she breaks into emotional tears or why she holds on to a negative situation with an unyielding spirit. It scares me sometimes, but then I try to find the love, to break through the anger with a hug that can almost break the spell. She may fight back, but then you hold that love like a wounded bird that is trying to break free. You know if you hold on long enough, it will realize you are trying to do your best to take care of its needs. She will then emotionally break, her will allows the fears and worry to be free & she gives in to the love that is given.

My daughter has had a lot of anxiety, fear and worry weighing on her little mind lately. She is afraid of the possibility of moving, her best friend just moved away, her beloved teacher is leaving for the rest of the year, the homework she doesn’t understand…her fears may seem small, but to her they are as big as anything we can fathom. Lately I have been trying to read and understand what, if anything, I can do to make her journey a little easier, to ease her anxiety and worry, to set aside the fear and bring peace to her in any way. Last night was no exception. She was worn down, tired, but in a negative place, constantly saying no to any loving suggestion to help her return to sleep. I finally had her jump our my bed & told her we needed to let her worries float away. I suggested we watch a darling youtube video that did just that.  Me, my husband and our little girl laid in bed and watched SOULPANCAKE: Pop your Problems  it was a darling example of letting your worries go. We all felt better when it was over. Thanks SoulPancake!!

Here are some other ideas for letting go of worries:

Understand your amazing brain: Watch Jill Bolte Taylor (Harvard expert on the brain experiences a stroke & what she learned from it–amazing). I listened to her talk to Oprah about the part of our brain that is in charge of language, self talk, all ego—she described a peanut size part of the brain is what causes negative chatter & how we need to remember that you can change your thought in a second. You cannot have a negative and a positive thought at the same time, so switch it!! WOW. Aha.

Let it go: Pop it! (like SoulPancake) or set it ablaze. Write down your worries, fears or frustrations, make a fire in your backyard fire pit or picnic area and throw your worries into the fire and allow the smoke to take them away.

Talk about it: Talking about concerns helps take some of the power out of the negative feelings. If you talk about your worries, fears and anxieties it can become less powerful.

Write it down: Write your feelings of worry and fear down in a journal. Get your thoughts out onto paper to help you sort out your feelings, so you can begin to understand.

Walk your talk: In some situations you may need to walk yourself through a fear or worry. You may need to replay over and over in your mind, “I can do this” or “I will be okay.”

Walk or run it out: Exercise is always a good solution to help rid any type of stress, including worry and anxiety. Take a walk, go for a run, get some type of movement that will increase your feel good endorphins and give you a natural boost.

Relax: different relaxation techniques like visualization  help in any situation. A good visualization: Imagine yourself floating along a still lake with your arms spread out, floating on the water and you look up to the blue sky—let go of every worry. Focus on the float. Quiet your mind in some type of relaxation, whether its visualization, meditation or prayer.

Breathe deeply: When you are in the midst of stress, anxiety, fear or worry your body tenses and we often hold our breath or begin to breathe faster. Take a deep breathe. Begin to slow your breath and allow the worries to fade as you breathe out…letting go.

The reality: understand that most of your fears are just a product that your thoughts create. (thoughts that are generated from that peanut size part of your brain). Decide and make a conscious choice—what thoughts will I follow and believe are real. Where is your focus? Is it real or fear based.

Face it: What could you do today to face a fear or conquer a worry that you hold on to? I came across a fun site of someone who was facing a fear every day for a month. Each day they would do something that scared or challenged them on a personal level. What did they learn??  as soon as you go ahead and face a fear–it vanishes. Fear just cannot stand in the light of your confidence and go beyond it. It gets scared. ( I thought that was a great reality.

Remember the good: Stress and worry are not all bad. There are times when they push us to make necessary changes in our life. This is when stress and anxiety are healthy and beneficial. Remember—there is always something good held in everything we do. There is always something to help us learn and grow. Have faith in that!

Hope these tips will help.

Have a beautiful weekend.  -Heather